240 – I Was Hoping That Somebody Would Love Me

240 - I Was Hoping That Somebody Would Love Me

[00:00:00]

Cold Cut Intro

[00:00:01] Jim: you had two kids at the time of my birth, and you gave me up. Then you take care of all these other kids. But you know, there's one thing that I'll always remember. She always said that she didn't have no help when I was born.

[00:00:15] Jim: Well, then I hear from my biological sister that no, that my grandparents weren't those type of people. They wanted to keep me. how do you think that made me feel?

I'm Damon Davis, and today you're going to meet Jim, who lives in Gilroy, California. Jim was born in the early 1960s in San Jose, [00:01:00] California. His adoption story is complex, shaped by the trauma and loss his adoptive parents faced after losing their youngest biological son. For Jim, the love he sought from his adoptive father was elusive, Replaced by emotional and physical abuse in his adoptive family. As Jim searched for his biological family, He was disappointed by some misleading events. and he uncovered some unexpected connections and painful revelations. This is Jim's Journey.

[00:01:32] Damon: Jim said his parents had three biological children before he was adopted, but tragedy had befallen the family when their youngest son, George, passed away. sister, also adopted, told him that losing their son left Jim's adoptive mother Suffering from a mental breakdown, so their parents decided to adopt another child, in a partial effort to heal their broken hearts and place their love on another kid.

[00:01:58] Damon: Jim said he [00:02:00] thought his dad really wanted a boy.

[00:02:02] Jim: matter of fact, sometimes I'll go to the grave site here in Gilroy where he's buried. And I'll say just to introduce myself because I never knew him. Right. So, I don't know what happened. All I know is my mom always had a, I was going to have a nervous breakdown and that's why they adopted me.

[00:02:19] Jim: But growing up my dad was a very how you would say traditional Chicano father that didn't know how to show love, didn't know, didn't show I love you hug you because that's one thing I never got. I never got, I love you or I never got a hug or I never got a pat on the back from my dad, ever.

[00:02:39] Jim: And that's the childhood I had was growing up with. Okay. Growing up thinking why did you adopt me when you can't even hug me or tell me You love me or pat me on the back and I asked my sister you think I was just a replacement I [00:03:00] asked my older sister probably about two years ago because I was doing all these podcast interviews and I always want the truth I don't want anyone to say oh jim.

[00:03:07] Jim: That was a lie, right? So I asked her she goes. Well, maybe You were a replacement. I goes you think that's right. Maybe he resented me And she didn't disagree with me. She didn't say nothing. And funny part about it is, my dad had dementia his last 10 years of his life. And me and my wife took care of him.

[00:03:25] Jim: The first five years. and I was the adopted one. and I, like I said, I never received any love. I remember always, I'll always remember one day at his retirement party, we work for the same company and we retired at the same company. I remember at his retirement I wanted to give him a hug and tell him, tell him, thank him and say, I love him, which I did.

[00:03:46] Jim: And he just looked at me and smiled and laughed at me and pushed me away. I go, wow,

[00:03:52] Damon: Wow.

[00:03:54] Jim: I wanted to tell my dad, I love you. And he looked at me and he goes, just get away from me. [00:04:00] that's, I always, I always remember that. That's when he was 62 years old. And I mean, that was, I don't know, 20 years ago, whatever it was.

[00:04:07] Jim: Cause he's

[00:04:07] Damon: What did that make you think? What did that make you think to yourself about your relationship with him?

[00:04:14] Jim: That I've always tried to make people love me so much that it was like, what's the use. I'm never going to feel loved. And people always ask me, when is the first time you ever felt loved, Jim? The first time I ever felt love was when I was going out with my wife, which we've been married for almost 40 years in July.

[00:04:36] Jim: And when I met her, I fell in love with her. and. First year, I said, okay, Jim, it's time to tell her. And as an adoptee, you know, you thinking, okay, people that love you or think they, you think they love you, we're going to leave you or hurt you. That's how I grew up. So, at a, at a date on a Chinese restaurant, I always remember telling her, I got to tell her, I goes, Hey, Tina babe I want to [00:05:00] let you know something.

[00:05:00] Jim: She was what she thought I was going to say something serious, right? And I said, well, I'm adopted. And she just says, okay, and she goes, what did you expect? They go, I just expected you thinking there was something wrong with me as an adoptee, you know? So I thinking, okay, she's going to leave me, but no, she just, she.

[00:05:21] Jim: Another few months later, then she fell in love and we decided to get married. But that's the first time I ever felt what love was all about. Because the first time I heard, I love you from my adopted mom. Lupe was when I asked for the adoption papers at 38 years old. I went searching when I was 38 and I'm 62.

[00:05:42] Damon: so that was the first time you ever heard either parent tell you that they loved you was at 38 when your mother said so.

[00:05:50] Jim: Yes.

[00:05:51] Damon: Wow. That is fascinating.

[00:05:54] Jim: Yeah, because they thought I was trying to replace them

[00:05:56] Damon: so they were trying to stick their bookmark in your book, make sure [00:06:00] you weren't, they weren't forgotten.

[00:06:01] Jim: yes. Yes.

[00:06:03] Damon: So staying with that, then do you think that it was a genuine, I love you as you reflect on it, or do you think that it was truly strategic to say so? Hmm.

[00:06:19] Jim: really give you an opinion on that because I don't really know because Why did it take so long for you to tell me that? Why couldn't you just tell me? I mean, they didn't even tell me I was adopted. You know how I found out I was adopted? My, my, my sisters and all that used to always tease me that they got me at a supermarket.

[00:06:37] Jim: And I always used to say, what, what? And cause I didn't really look like him. Right. So, and my dad, my, I didn't look like my dad and I was kept on, okay. But then they started teasing more than they told my sister that she sat, they sat her down to tell her that she was adopted, but they never sat me down.

[00:06:57] Jim: to tell me that I was adopted. They just teased me that they [00:07:00] got me at a supermarket. So probably about 11 years old, I finally figured it out. Oh, shoot. I guess I am adopted, but I kept it in the back of my head all the time. Because see, there's one thing that my sister told me that day I asked her about why did they adopt me?

[00:07:16] Jim: And she told me why, because the replacement and all that. And she told me after we had that conversation, she goes to me, but Jim, something about you changed in your teenage years between 12 or whatever, you became more of a rebel. Your whole attitude changed. But see, she didn't realize, nobody realized what was happening to me from the ages of 9 to 11.

[00:07:41] Jim: See, from the ages of 9 to 11, I was being sexually molested by a male 24 year old cousin for 2 years, from the ages of 9 to 11. And I was terrified. Yeah, 9 to 11. So I did it for two years, but see, I couldn't say nothing because I didn't have that [00:08:00] relationship with my parents. And see, I couldn't, I couldn't go tell that to my dad that, that my male cousin was raping me.

[00:08:10] Damon: Mm hmm.

[00:08:11] Jim: I couldn't say that. I, I, I didn't, I didn't admit it till I was 52 years old on, cause my wife's a school teacher. So she does a lot of stuff on , on children and education, sexual abuse, all that they have to learn. Right? So one day we're on our way to go get an ice cream when I was 52 years old. And my daughter was in the car too.

[00:08:30] Jim: My daughter's 37 now, which back then she was like 16. And we were going to go get an ice cream and all of a sudden this thing on the radio was talking about child sexual abuse. And right there I said, okay, tell him Jim, tell him. So at 52 years old, I told my wife and daughter, I have to tell you guys something.

[00:08:48] Jim: He goes, what? He goes, I was sexually molested from the ages of 9 to 11. Of course, these still gets me my uh, my wife, Tina tells me that she couldn't believe that [00:09:00] happened to me. And I told her, yeah, it happened to me. And why did it take you so long. To say something it goes because the shame, because it was a male, I didn't have nobody to go to and it took me all those years till I was 52 to say something.

[00:09:19] Jim: And actually she's the only one that knows who the person is because I've never told who it was, but the, one of the hardest parts of that molestation. And when I was going out with her is where she used to live where I used to go pick her up before we were dating, before we got married, the house that all that happened.

[00:09:38] Jim: See,

[00:09:40] Damon: no, really? Hmm.

[00:09:42] Jim: kept that inside all those years. I never told her, but every time I went over there, I was like, I looked across the street and I know today's thing. I could tell you the smells what was in that room and what happened to me in that room like it would happen yesterday. [00:10:00] And that's one thing I had to admit to her.

[00:10:03] Jim: She goes, Oh my god, baby. I mean, you had a Think about that all the time. It goes, well, how did you do it? I just did it. I just did it. I just said, everybody has a story, but it took me all those years to finally say something about it. And so all those three years, years of my childhood, I mean, during my teenage years, I used to get in a lot of fights and I started drinking.

[00:10:27] Jim: I was 11, because I was in sixth grade when I started drinking.

[00:10:30] Damon: first of all, thank you for. I'm sure that was hard. I could see the emotion and I could hear it in your voice. And, and it is hard for guys to admit stuff that has happened to them. So it's a brave thing for you to come out and admit that because what I sense you doing is opening the door for other guys who have experienced something like what you've experienced, but I also want to circle back if you don't mind for a moment, because.

[00:10:59] Damon: If I recall the [00:11:00] timing correctly, it sounded like you were saying that you both figured out that you were adopted around the same time that you were also being molested. So you've got two major life traumas happening at the same time. Can you tell me, can we just, let's focus on the adoption piece for a moment because you've already gone into the molestation.

[00:11:27] Damon: Okay. When you sort of hit when it hit you, wait, I must be adopted too. Can you remember what you were thinking about your family structure? How you were treated as one of the kids? Like what kinds of things went through your mind?

[00:11:41] Jim: First thing I just said, why did they adopt me? what's that theme of a ghost family used to always look around? And I wonder if that's my dad. I wonder if that's my brother. That's how I grew up. And because they never talked about it. I mean, my parents didn't ask me, excuse me, [00:12:00] anything about my church when I went searching.

[00:12:03] Jim: They didn't want to know.

[00:12:05] Damon: Mm hmm.

[00:12:06] Jim: So I did it all by

[00:12:11] Damon: you you Did you have this feeling of, Oh, maybe this is why I don't feel X for them. Cause you've already said you didn't really, It doesn't sound like you're really connected with your adoptive parents.

[00:12:24] Damon: So I'm wondering, did you, when you made this realization that you were an adoptee, was it at that time that you kind of thought to yourself, Oh, maybe that's why we don't get along. Is that, did that hit you at all?

[00:12:38] Jim: Oh, yeah, of course. And then there's another thing that happened. I talk about in my, in my story is from the ages of 15 to 18. Already had plans how I was gonna kill my molester and how I was gonna kill myself. So I, I, I wrestled with that from ages [00:13:00] 15 to 18 because I knew where my molester was. He's my cousin. He's a male cousin. So I wrestle with that. My wife asked me one time, probably about a month ago, She goes what made you stop?

[00:13:21] Jim: And I told her, you know what? I can't answer that. People always ask me, what is the hardest cry I've ever had? I've had four parents. My adoptive parents and my biological parents that I've found, right? I went to all four of their services. They're all dead now. I only cried at my adopted mother's gravesite.

[00:13:42] Jim: It's the only one I cried at. You know the reason why I cried? Because my mom protected me when my dad used to beat me. And my molester was there at the gravesite at the time. I was taking off the flower off my suit [00:14:00] and put it on the top of the casket. That's the hardest cry I've ever had. I've never cried like that before.

[00:14:06] Jim: I've never cried like that before. And I, I probably will never. And because it all came back, but

[00:14:14] Jim: No one knew that what I was going through until I was 52 years old.

[00:14:20] Jim: didn't I go after the guy? And the hard part too, is why didn't I say something?

[00:14:29] Jim: Because you started living with guilt. Like what if he did it with other kids? And I didn't, I didn't say nothing, you

[00:14:38] Damon: Yeah. Right.

[00:14:39] Jim: Yeah. So, yeah, that's how I grew up as a teenager.

[00:14:44] Damon: Wow, Jim. This is I'm so sorry to hear this. This is a really rough start right? You're A late discovery adoptee, but unconfirmed because nobody has actually said it to you. You are unfortunately being molested by [00:15:00] somebody in the family, a family that you technically don't belong to, which I'm sure played into your mind also. And you said that your father was beaten you, your adoptive father.

[00:15:12] Jim: Well, my,

[00:15:13] Damon: a lot.

[00:15:15] Jim: dad used to, I mean, he never was a type of father that said, I love you, but you did something wrong. I would have to go out and pick out a branch out of my tree and he would beat me with it. I mean, and he, you know, the good old thing, you cry, you cry, you're going to get hit harder. And I used to just hold it in.

[00:15:34] Jim: And I always remember my mom, Jose Jose, my dad, his name was Joe. Jose is in Spanish, Jose Jose, he's had enough. I always remember that.

[00:15:45] Damon: Mm.

[00:15:46] Jim: that's why I cried so much at my mom's grave site because I remember that

[00:16:00]

[00:16:27] Damon: I'm not asking you this to be controversial, I'm asking you this for anybody else who's listening who has had similar thoughts of dying by suicide. Tell me, Well, tell me why you didn't do it. I'm glad that you're here. I'm want you here. I'm wondering what helped you to not do it.

[00:16:51] Damon: Man.

[00:16:56] Jim: she asked me why I didn't do it. But I think of it [00:17:00] now. I could honestly say that I was hoping that somebody would love me, that there was still a chance. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't do it because I already, I, I, I knew exactly how I was gonna kill him and how I was gonna kill myself. I already, I already knew,

[00:17:19] Damon: I'm so glad you didn't, you deserve to be here, Jim. I just want to tell you this, you know, I hope there was never a day when you ever doubt, and I hope that your wife's love and your family's love is absolutely something that drives you forward in that regard because you, you were right.

[00:17:34] Jim: some

[00:17:34] Damon: You didn't do it because somebody wanted to love you and sure enough you found your wife.

[00:17:38] Damon: It's absolutely incredible. Wow. Good for

[00:17:40] Jim: Yeah, thank you.

[00:17:42] Damon: Jim went on to tell me that from middle school, he had been self medicating with alcohol and cocaine, all of which he used to escape his reality. But Jim admitted when his high was gone, everything he was living through was still right there, waiting for him. [00:18:00] Jim played football in high school, fought with other kids, and tried to prove his manhood.

[00:18:06] Jim: Always not taking no shit from nobody. And I just, I just try to prove myself. I've always tried, I've always been a people pleaser, but I always try to prove myself of my manhood.

[00:18:20] Jim: that's how I grew up. I mean, I look at it now. I'm looking, I'm 62 years old. I'm sparring kids that are 20. 25 years old. I go, why am I still doing that? And then I thinking in my mind, it goes, am I still trying to prove something to my dad? Cause my dad really liked boxing. Am I really trying to prove something?

[00:18:40] Jim: And then my coach used to tell me all the time, Jim, you have nothing to prove because I had my first fight when I was 60 years old in a master's division. And he goes, you don't have to fight no more, Jim. But I fought four more times since then. It goes, why do you fight? It's just something [00:19:00] in me.

[00:19:01] Jim: It goes, but Jim, there's nothing that you have to prove. All these kids have respect for you because you spar, but these kids are scared of you. I go, I don't know. It's just something in my. My mind in my heart that is I'm trying to prove something There's a there's a scene in that movie, creed and he's he's getting his butt kicked in the in the fight and rocky and he's in the corner And rocky wants to stop the fight and he's telling him don't stop it.

[00:19:31] Jim: Don't stop it. I'm trying to prove something I'm trying to prove it and rocky looks at him because what are you trying to prove? And the creed son goes that i'm worth it You

[00:19:44] Damon: Hmm. Ye...

[00:19:46] Jim: I still get emotional when I say that... Am I still trying to accept my ah,

[00:19:55] Jim: dad's not thinking I'm, I was [00:20:00] somebody I retired at the same place. He did. I worked at the place for 30 years. I got a teamster pension. I got a great retirement, but I didn't even get a congratulations. Father and son, only father and son to retire at that company. And I didn't even get any congratulations. Nothing. And I'm all thinking, shit, what do I have to do? I didn't, what I

[00:20:25] Damon: what do you gotta do?

[00:20:27] Jim: then when I, when I did find my father, my biological

[00:20:30] Jim: father, I wanted that type of father. That's going to come and love me and hug me and say, he loves me and all that. But see. My father didn't even know I existed my biological father for 38 years till I found him because my

[00:20:44] Jim: biological mother didn't tell him So he didn't have no he didn't have no kids or what he wasn't in he wasn't ever married He was a bachelor all his life.

[00:20:54] Jim: So all of a sudden bang. You got a 38 year old son, but he doesn't know how to [00:21:00] React to me or treat me like a father and son. He didn't know

[00:21:06] Jim: So I kind of like,

[00:21:07] Jim: yeah, he was a

[00:21:08] Jim: good guy, but he didn't really know how to act towards

[00:21:10] Jim: me. So it's kind of like, wow, I struck out twice.

[00:21:14] Damon: At 37 years old, Jim was watching a talk show on TV featuring adopted people searching for their biological family. They were talking about the challenges of non identified information when Jim turned to his wife and said,

[00:21:29] Jim: It's time.

[00:21:29] Jim: Time It's time for me to go search

[00:21:31] Damon: Jim's wife asked if he was ready, and he said yes. His mind was on his daughter and the prospect of her growing up without her own information. Jim went to the records office on the seventh floor of the Santa Clara County building. The clerk told Jim that once his paperwork was submitted, They would return his information to him within about six months.

[00:21:53] Damon: Since he made the decision to search, he wanted his information faster than that, so he went home , to wait it [00:22:00] out. In less than two months, Jim went to his mailbox to find a letter from the county of Santa Clara. He thought perhaps it was a summons of jury duty.

[00:22:09] Damon: Instead, he received his non identifying information.

[00:22:13] Jim: It says your bio mother was five feet 89 pounds. She had two kids at the time of your birth. She was living with your grandparents and she was living in she was working for a doctor's office. And by biological father information said he was 5'7 medium built, dark haired. He went to high school till 10th grade and quit and went to work full time.

[00:22:37] Jim: Okay. That's all they had in there. It says they had a brief affair and that was it. That's all the information I had. So, I used to drive a concrete rated mix truck delivering concrete. I did that for 30, 30 years. I did that in the barrier. so one day this was probably two weeks after I got that letter.

[00:22:56] Jim: I was on a job site and there was a gentleman there. His name [00:23:00] was Carlos Brian. He was the foreman of this company that I, I delivered concrete to for 20 years. And we used to talk about life all the time, right? We're all good guy. And he goes, Hey, Jim, what have you been up to? He goes, well, you want me to tell the truth?

[00:23:13] Jim: He goes, sure. He goes looking for my biological family. He goes, what? It goes, Joe's not your dad. Cause he knew my dad. Cause my dad used to deliver concrete to him too. It goes, no, that's, that's not my dad. It goes, what's, what information do you got? So I told him the information of my biological mother.

[00:23:32] Jim: Hey, he looked at me. He goes, Jim, what year were you born? I go 62, he goes, were you born here in San Jose? I go, yeah. He goes, oh, shoot. He looked at me. He didn't know I, I knew the information about my biological father. Carlos is five seven, medium built dark hair, dark eyes. See, I knew that that's, that's Carlos, that's his description.

[00:23:57] Damon: That's the biological father,

[00:23:59] Damon: [00:24:00] Carlos.

[00:24:00] Damon: Carlos is the guy, the foreman at the job

[00:24:03] Jim: yes, yes, that's who I'm talking to.

[00:24:05] Damon: Okay. Wow. Wow.

[00:24:07] Jim: the description in the paper is Carlos, who I'm talking to. That's exactly what Carlos is. Dark hair, dark eyes, medium built. So when I was talking to him, when I told him the information about my biological mother, he goes, that's when he asked me, what year were you born, Jim?

[00:24:23] Jim: I go, 62. He goes, Oh shoot. He goes, and he kind of looks like me. So he goes That information you're sharing with me, it kind of sounds like this girl named Marie. With Marie who? This girl that I was dating back in the early 60s. We just had a a brief affair. And she heard she had a baby and she gave it up for adoption.

[00:24:46] Jim: It goes, are you serious? It goes, yeah. It goes, that's what the paper says. And says that she had kids. It goes, yeah. It goes, Oh shit. So I'm looking at him. I go, do you know where I could [00:25:00] find her? Cause I don't know, Jim. I goes, I haven't seen her in what? 38 years, 39 years. And it's just, but I know her family still, I could start asking.

[00:25:11] Jim: So, okay. So we're looking at each other and we're going, Oh man, this is kind of weird, man. So back then, you, of course, you didn't have a cell phones. So I took off from the job site to get a, go to a phone booth and I called my wife, Tina, I goes, Hey babe, what is the house? There's a say in the information.

[00:25:29] Jim: My, my biological father. Well, the other information was he quit high school in 10th grade to go work full time. So I went back to the job site and Carlos says, Hey, what are you doing back here? Aren't you empty? He goes, Yeah, but I have to ask you a question, Carlos. He goes, What's up? He goes, Hey, did you graduate high school?

[00:25:49] Jim: He goes, No. I goes, I quit in 10th grade to go work full time. He didn't know I had that information on that piece of paper.

[00:25:59] Damon: Are you kidding [00:26:00] me?

[00:26:00] Jim: Oh, so I told him that and he goes he goes, wow, I think you might be my son. I go, you know what? I think you might be my dad. And so,

[00:26:12] Damon: Holy shit.

[00:26:13] Jim: so a week later I was on I was coming into the driver's room and was another driver there named Johnny.

[00:26:20] Jim: He goes, Hey, Jim. I goes, Hey, I heard about you and Carlos. I go, How the hell do you know? He goes, I used to live with your sister, which is Carlos's daughter for five years. And they talked and she wants to meet you. This is your sister goes, No way. So she says, Okay, so I invited her and her son over to my house where we used to live for over the weekend just to get to know each other.

[00:26:47] Jim: And so we got to know each other and me and Carlos were planning a, you know, get togethers already for holidays. And we decided to go take a blood test. Right. But of course I didn't tell my, my [00:27:00] adoptive parents anything because they didn't want to know anything. They never asked me. So, so we're planning and he went and introduced me to his, his wife that he had then and delivering in Hollister.

[00:27:12] Jim: That was like 20 minutes from where I live now. So went over there and met his wife and she hugged me, welcomed me to the family and all that. So we did the blood test and several weeks later he came back. It was negative. He wasn't my father. Huh. So that's one of, one of the worst days of my life.

[00:27:32] Damon: the

[00:27:33] Jim: So I thought,

[00:27:34] Damon: up, hold up, hold up.

[00:27:35] Jim: yeah. So I thought I found my

[00:27:36] Jim: father, but it wasn't. So that's why

[00:27:41] Damon: So, pause. Let's go back for a

[00:27:43] Jim: like, go ahead. a

[00:27:46] Jim: rollercoaster.

[00:27:47] Damon: a lot just happened. Jeez. Take me back to this moment. You're You have gone to a phone booth. Called your wife.

[00:27:58] Damon: You're standing there having this [00:28:00] oh shit moment that this could be your

[00:28:03] Damon: Biological father. So you go back to your wife and say, give me some more information.

[00:28:07] Damon: I need

[00:28:08] Damon: to go back to this guy

[00:28:09] Damon: and you go back and he corroborates what you have pulled from this birth certificate and you both are thinking that you're related to each other.

[00:28:20] Jim: Yes.

[00:28:21] Damon: You said it was awkward, but like, walk me through this moment of you guys standing face to face thinking, I can't believe I am delivering to my birth father.

[00:28:30] Damon: Like, what was that moment? What were those moments like?

[00:28:33] Jim: I was his face I always remember his face his face was like, he was very nervous to look at me. He kept on looking at me but he was like, he was like a sad look, and I was looking at him like in my, in my body I was shaking because I was all, I can't believe this is happening. it's kind of like a soap opera.

[00:28:51] Jim: It's like a damn movie,

[00:28:52] Jim: you know, and and i'm looking at it and right away Though he was happy because we liked each other. We knew each other for [00:29:00] 20 years He was a hell of a great guy. I loved I could actually say I I loved the guy The guy was a great guy. I knew all of his family. All his nephews were in construction I knew all of them.

[00:29:10] Jim: I played sop on with his nephews and we all knew each other Then all of a sudden they're all, his nephew's all, hey bro, he goes, we might be cousins. I go, yeah, I know.

[00:29:23] Damon: That

[00:29:23] Jim: all look, they, they, they look like me.

[00:29:26] Damon: Hmm.

[00:29:27] Jim: They all have the shape, the size, the shoulders, the kind of like the Filipino Hawaiian look.

[00:29:34] Damon: hmm. Okay.

[00:29:50] Jim: babe, don't give up. We'll keep on looking.

[00:29:53] Damon: Six months later, Jim's wife, Tina, was talking with the neighbors, Connie and Dominic, when it comes up [00:30:00] in conversation that Jim and Dominic are both adopted. Dominic had found his birth parents, but they were deceased. The ladies agreed their husbands should chat about their adoption reunion journeys.

[00:30:12] Damon: So, Jim went to talk to Dominic,

[00:30:14] Damon: and they exchanged tales. Dominic shared that a local organization called Adoptees Identity Discovery was hosting a meeting, so Jim went along carrying all of the information he had about his birth families. At the meeting, another man named Neil Kyle, who Jim calls his angel, requested Jim's adoption information to try to find his birth mother's maiden name.

[00:30:38] Damon: Jim was bewildered as to how Neil could obtain such personal information, but a month later, Neil called Jim.

[00:30:46] Jim: I got three names for you, Jim. Three, because it could be your biological mother. One of them lives in Long Beach, and one of them lives in L.

[00:30:56] Jim: A. or Anaheim, and the other one lives in San Jose, where I [00:31:00] worked at. And it says, and where I was born. so here's the three names. All right. So I had the three names and the addresses, So one day I was delivering concrete in San Jose. And the address that I had in my pocket, because I had all the addresses still in my pocket in my wallet.

[00:31:18] Jim: The address on White Road,

[00:31:20] Damon: uh where one of the mothers... I thought was my mother... had lived.

[00:31:34] Damon: Shit, I'm going to stop. So I pulled, I pulled over. I go, what can I do?

[00:31:40] Damon: What can I do? So I know what I'll do. I'll ask them if they ordered any concrete, right? So, so, so I go to the door and I knocked on the door and this gentleman opened the door and he kind of looked like me, right? And I asked him, Hey did you order any concrete? He goes, no. He goes, Oh, [00:32:00] okay. I guess I'm lost.

[00:32:01] Damon: I'm trying to find his address, but I guess I'm just confused. Oh, he says, good luck. It's okay. It got back in my truck. It took off. Right. So two weeks later, I get a call from Neil Kiley. It was about six, seven o'clock at night. I was in Gilroy where I live now. I was visiting my cousin and he calls me.

[00:32:23] Damon: He tells me, Jim, I found your biological mother. Because you did. It goes, which one is it? It's the one in San Jose on White Road. It goes, oh shit, Neil, I got to tell you something. It goes, well, it goes, I stopped there like two, three weeks ago. It goes, what? Yeah. It goes, I told you, I told you you can't do that.

[00:32:43] Damon: Well, what the hell? I did it anyway. It goes, your, here's the number. And you have siblings and she had siblings when she gave birth to me. She really had a, my sister Wanda and my sister Bobby at the time of my birth.[00:33:00]

[00:33:00] Damon: She already had children, and then you were born. Gotcha. The

[00:33:06] Jim: she gave me up, but then she had a another son from the husband that she was married to when I found her.

[00:33:14] Damon: gentleman who answered the door.

[00:33:16] Jim: no, that was Bobby. That was my, my brother from her first marriage. Yeah, that's who

[00:33:24] Damon: Oh my gosh.

[00:33:25] Jim: Bobby. So I called that night.

[00:33:29] Jim: and and I go hi, is Paul there?

[00:33:31] Jim: Cause I knew my brother's names already. He goes, no, I go, is Bobby there? She goes, no. Well, who is this? This is Jim Serrano. He goes, Oh, I don't recognize your name. It goes why are you looking for them? Or can I help you? It goes, well, you could answer a question for me. She goes, sure. It goes, does January 22nd, 1962 mean anything to you? And there was dead silence over the phone. And [00:34:00] then I said it again. And she goes Who is this and why are you doing this to me? I go this is who you think it is. I don't want to disrupt your life. I have a daughter. I just want to get my medical background. And I won't ever bug you again. And she goes, dead silence on the phone again.

[00:34:21] Jim: And she goes, I can't really talk right now. Can I call you tomorrow? And she was sure. So I hung up the phone. So my, my in laws had to drive me home because I was, I was a wreck. So I went home and me and my wife, Tina were in bed and we're talking about the whole situation. And then the phone rang. Her name is Noberta .

[00:34:44] Jim: Okay. So. I picked up the phone. She goes, hi, this is Roberta. He goes, Hey, she goes I don't want to talk on the phone. Can you meet me tomorrow in San Jose at Valley Medical Hospital? My kids have appointments. [00:35:00] Oh, okay. What time? It was 10 o'clock in the morning. Okay. So she kind of described what she looked like and what car she was driving.

[00:35:08] Jim: And she was going to have like three or four little kids with her. I said, okay, whatever. So I got to the parking lot. She came out of the car and she had her kids with her. And she, of course she came to hug me and she cried on my arms and said she was sorry. I didn't have no emotion. It was just an old lady hugging me that I have.

[00:35:28] Jim: It was like a Hallmark movie. I didn't have no emotion. I was just like Hey, whatever, you know, and she goes, can you come to these doctor apartments with me with the kids? I go sure so I did that for about two hours Then she went back in the parking lot and she told me jim. I gotta tell you something because yeah What I gotta go home and tell your siblings and my husband that you exist Nobody knows about you.

[00:35:55] Jim: So she kept me a secret for 37 years 37 years, [00:36:00] she didn't tell anybody, and she kept it from my biological father, too. He didn't know I existed. And people always ask me, why do you think she did that? Me and my wife always say spite. She was angry, because it didn't work out. Because she would have died with that secret if I didn't go looking.

[00:36:19] Jim: And I used to tell her that. I used to tell her that all the time. Remember, I found you, you didn't find me.

[00:36:25] Damon: wow. what I'm curious about is you have driven a concrete truck to this woman's house

[00:36:31] Damon: to try to find her, like you're clearly motivated, but then you go and meet her in the parking lot with the children at the hospital for their, their appointments, and you said you met her and she fell into your arms crying, but you had no emotion. Why do you think that is?

[00:36:47] Jim: Probably because I didn't know what love was about. I didn't know what a hug was, even though my wife loved me and my daughter loves me, but I didn't know a parent's love. I never felt a parent's love or a [00:37:00] grandparent's love. See, my, even my grandparents, I didn't have a relationship with them growing up.

[00:37:05] Jim: When I found my biological family on both sides. My both my grandparents on each side were great gonorrhea or passed away. So I never had any relationship with grandparents. So I missed out on grandparents. I missed out on knowing what love is really, I didn't, I didn't know how to react or hugs and loves from someone that I don't know.

[00:37:26] Jim: It's, it's a trust thing. You got to earn their trust first before you receive a hug. That's at least that's how I thought these are. You know, the, the trust issues are always going to be there. And I think that's the main reason.

[00:37:39] Damon: Yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you've lived a life of not being told you're loved, of not receiving affection. You've had abuse, both by a relative and, you know, the corporal punishment of your father, adoptive. And so I could see how, when someone comes to you [00:38:00] with what is an extreme and overt expression of love, You wouldn't know what to do with it, right?

[00:38:06] Damon: You're not practiced. You

[00:38:07] Damon: got no experience. Yeah, that's really, really interesting. And, you know, I was, I had an interview with Dr. Bruce Perry, who coauthored this book, what happened to you with Oprah. And in our conversation, he talks about this challenge of people with intimacy

[00:38:28] Damon: Where when you're a kid, you sort of venture out a little bit further, a little bit further, a little bit further from your parents.

[00:38:37] Damon: But as you get more and more comfortable in the world, the further you can go, but you always come back to your parents when something goes wrong. But he said the opposite is true for someone who's been through trauma as a child. They're out here. Not understanding what love, affection, and all of these comforts are.

[00:38:58] Damon: So they, you get more comfortable [00:39:00] out here by yourself. And then when your relationships get closer and closer and closer, you run back the other way, because this is your comfort zone,

[00:39:08] Damon: not in the intimate space, but over here by yourself. I thought that was really fascinating. And that you sound like that's what you're, you lived is this unfamiliarity with affection, love.

[00:39:23] Damon: Expressions of emotion, it sounds like even, and therefore when she dumped it on you, you got nothing for her.

[00:39:30] Jim: Yeah, exactly. And now, now I'm going to tell you who those kids were. They're going to say, wow. So the next day she calls me up. She goes, my husband said it. Everything that happened to you is not your fault. Come meet your siblings. Come meet your brothers. I went to the house. I met my brothers. I think it was two days later and all those kids were still in the house.

[00:39:55] Jim: Right. So I got home that night. And I called [00:40:00] her and then I asked her the question, Hey, who are all those kids? Are those your grandkids that Bobby and Paul's and all there? It was no, those are my foster kids.

[00:40:12] Jim: Her and Her husband were foster parents for 25 years, had 500 kids come through her home.

[00:40:21] Damon: How many?

[00:40:23] Jim: 500.

[00:40:24] Damon: Oh my gosh.

[00:40:27] Jim: Yeah. She passed away like two years ago, but they did it for 25 years. And 500 kids went through their home.

[00:40:34] Damon: What did you think when you heard that?

[00:40:37] Jim: Another kick in the gut, first of all, you had two kids at the time of my birth, and you gave me up. Then you take care of all these other kids. But you know, there's one thing that I'll always remember. She always said that she never, she didn't have no help when I was born.

[00:40:56] Jim: Well, then I hear from my biological sister that [00:41:00] no, that my grandparents weren't those type of people. They wanted to keep me. how do you think that made me feel? But be honest with you, our relationship for the 21 years, 22 years I knew her, was a rollercoaster. Because we used to argue a lot about how she treated her foster kids, how she yelled at her foster kids. How I used to say, you shouldn't be treating them like that, you shouldn't be yelling at them like that.

[00:41:24] Jim: And we used to butt heads about that. And she was the type of person to just, because she, raised all these foster kids that she knew how I felt. I used to tell her all the time, even my wife used to tell me, babe, you're never going to understand her, how she feels and she's never going to understand you.

[00:41:43] Jim: Yeah. But she tries to understand me and that's, that was the big argument between me and her for like 22 years. I mean, we didn't talk to each other for the last six months of her life. So she texts me on my 60th birthday and just to [00:42:00] tell me happy birthday and then tell me her health problems.

[00:42:03] Jim: And I think three months later she passed away.

[00:42:06] Damon: Really? I'm sorry. Wow. That's so rough to have it be so tumultuous

[00:42:11] Jim: Yeah, it was just, it was just a rollercoaster. We just, we wouldn't talk. We would talk. We wouldn't talk. We wouldn't talk. And I was always thinking, wow, you gave me up. And you used to tell me no matter how many times we argue, I'm always going to love you. I'm always going to talk to you. You're never going to get rid of me, but you don't talk to me.

[00:42:32] Jim: You don't reach out to say, let's talk about this. See you, you're, you're, you're talking, didn't match your actions. And that's, see, that's what the trust was like. Wow. all those years was just a lie.

[00:42:47] Damon: I can't help thinking one of the things you said early when we first started talking was. You didn't know where you were the first six months of your life, right? That you, you were a foster child, it [00:43:00] sounds like, in somebody's care. Did you see yourself in those kids and how she was treating them?

[00:43:06] Jim: Yeah, yeah, because I was thinking, who took care of me? Who named me? See, there's, there's a, there's a name on those. adoption papers I have, it says Freddy.

[00:43:17] Damon: Hmm.

[00:43:26] Jim: year I was born and who is Freddy?

[00:43:29] Jim: So she told me it was probably the person that was taking care of you in the foster care system. They had to name you. They couldn't just say Baby Doe. So they had to put some name there. So that's who Freddy was. So I was Freddy for the first six months of my life until you. My parents adopted me.

[00:43:47] Jim: What, a year after, they named me James Ayala Serrano.

[00:43:52] Damon: That's fascinating.

[00:43:53] Damon: Wow. I have to admit, I was heartened when I heard you say that [00:44:00] your biological mother and her husband were foster parents, because I was immediately gravitated to the notion that she was trying to fill a void by caring for other kids after your departure.

[00:44:13] Damon: But what you ended up telling me was that she was verbally abusive to these kids.

[00:44:18] Damon: And so it actually pushed me in the other direction, which is, I know the children need somewhere to go, but they need a healthy space to go and don't do it. If you're going to be an additional layer of trauma

[00:44:33] Damon: to these children who already don't have permanency, they don't know where they're going to go.

[00:44:37] Damon: They just know that your house is a, temporary stop.

[00:44:40] Jim: You know how many times I've seen the kids come in with garbage bags with their clothes? How many times I've seen that? That tore me up. Every time I see a kid, a new kid, oh that, that kid just doesn't want to listen. Oh, that kid, that's why your parents don't want you. Because you act the way you do. Oh my [00:45:00] god, how can you say that to a kid?

[00:45:03] Damon: Before Jim's mother passed away, he asked her about his birth father's identity. She told Jim the man's first name was Raw. But confessed that after their one night stand 37 years prior, she didn't know where the man was.

[00:45:18] Damon: However, she did share that she knew where Jim's biological uncle's furniture store was located in downtown San Jose. One day, Jim is out in his big, huge concrete truck making a delivery when he saw his uncle's furniture store across the street.

[00:45:35] Jim: I walked in there. And I said, Hey, it's Hank here. And the guy comes up to me, he goes, I'm Hank Jr. That's my father. He goes, Oh, okay.

[00:45:46] Jim: Who are you? He goes, Well, I'm looking for a raw Well, that's my uncle. Why are you looking for him? He goes, Well, I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm his son. He goes, What? I'm his son. [00:46:00] Here's my phone number. And here's the name of my biological mother, give him this. he looks at me and goes, okay, I walked out of the store.

[00:46:10] Jim: So probably a week after, two weeks after message came on the answering machine. Hi, this is Raw . Let's meet at Original Joe's. Establishment in, in in San Jose, a restaurant. So I get there and here he comes walking. I go, shoot, this guy looks like me, but he's really thin, really skinny.

[00:46:31] Jim: But then I find out that he's a, he was a twin. His twin had the same size body as me. It looks like. exactly like me.

[00:46:39] Damon: Oh My god

[00:46:40] Jim: so I met him and we went and did a blood test and he was my father. I went and met all the family. They've been, they've been really, really good to me. I can't say on both sides have been really good to me.

[00:46:51] Jim: It's just that my biological mother and us, we didn't really get along. And my, my biological father, like I said, I didn't really have a [00:47:00] relationship with him because he didn't really know how to react towards me because he never had any kids or never was married. So he didn't really know how to kind of like, Try to get a relationship with me.

[00:47:11] Jim: I mean, you know, I think we

[00:47:13] Damon: again, no practice, right? If you've never had kids, you're not going to know how to act when a kid shows up. You're not going to know that kind of love

[00:47:22] Damon: for your offspring. So oh man, that's crazy.

[00:47:26] Jim: Yeah. See, so,

[00:47:27] Damon: Huh?

[00:47:28] Jim: so that's, that's how I found my father. And so my 38th birthday came around and my mom, my biological mom decides she wanted to throw me a a surprise birthday party. So I, I found out about it two weeks before. And, and I go, Oh shit. I asked my sister, if my parents gonna come and my family.

[00:47:49] Jim: She goes, yeah, I think so. It goes, Oh, wonderful. You know, cause I knew they weren't happy about it. So here, so, so I, so here I come into the [00:48:00] party. Surprise. She closed the restaurant down and a bar for me, 200 people. There's my adopted parents sitting in the same table as my biological mother and her husband.

[00:48:13] Jim: You should see the hurt on my mom's face and the anger in my dad's face.

[00:48:18] Damon: Oh.

[00:48:19] Jim: I, got drunker than drunk that night but I, I remember one thing, my dad leaving the party and he looked at me and he goes, we're going to talk about this in the morning. He was pissed. I go, what the hell did I do? So the next day I was in, in our home, I was watching TV and I was thinking about the whole thing, right?

[00:48:38] Jim: And all of a sudden I felt my heart was pounding out of my chest and I collapsed. And I called Tina. I goes, babe, call an ambulance. There's something happening to me. They came and got me. They thought I had a heart attack. They took me to the hospital. They put me in ICU for three days. They thought I had a heart attack.

[00:48:56] Jim: remember you told me about, you never wanted me to have those thoughts again about [00:49:00] suicide. So here's one time I had those thoughts. So here I am in the bed in ICU. Here's my parents, my adopted parents coming in the room, just watching me here cause my biological mother in the same room, five minutes after they're just looking at me.

[00:49:16] Jim: They're not even talking. And I'm all, Oh Lord, if I had a gun right now, I would just blow myself away. Don't these people understand what they're doing to me? And the next day, the, the doctor released me and says, you know, we don't know what happened, but we heard about your story and we want to send you to a therapist. So I went to a therapist about a week later. Of course, he said I had anxiety attacks and he prescribed me antidepressants. I was on Paxil. I was off work for like two weeks. Three, four months because I couldn't do life. I couldn't do life. I was, I was in the bed, curled up like a little baby.

[00:49:56] Jim: When jim finally returned to work one of his [00:50:00] buddy's commented on how long he had been out, asked if hwas ok, then after hearing Jim's download on his life, invited Jim to go to church with him.

[00:50:11] Jim: Jim was reluctant to go, but eventually he attended service and kinda liked it.

[00:50:17] Jim: the modern worship service was different, more energetic than the roman catholic services he grew up with, So Jim and Tina attended for a few months.

[00:50:27] Jim: One day in church, Jim started to feel anxiety over taking him.

[00:50:32] Jim: Tina suggested he take a Paxil, so he did, but after he downed the pill, he felt different.

[00:50:39] Jim: I got home that day from church and I got all my antidepressant pills and I threw it down the drain. I went to my therapist two days later. My therapist goes so what's going on Jim? I goes, well, I don't need you no more. He goes, what do you mean you don't need me no more? I threw all my pills away. He goes, you can't do that, Jim.

[00:50:57] Jim: He goes, I could do whatever I want. I don't [00:51:00] need you no more. So I threw him down the drain and he goes, okay. I walked out of his office. And the funny part about it, you remember that the program 2020, well, that Friday night, me and Tina were watching a program on antidepressants. And one of them was about Paxil, how people were getting off Paxil too quickly and committed suicide.

[00:51:22] Damon: Wow.

[00:51:23] Jim: See,

[00:51:24] Damon: And how did you feel? How did that relate to you? Had you been feeling like you were suicidal? Or are you saying you're glad you got off it because you didn't want to go off it and then feel

[00:51:35] Jim: Oh, I never want to feel that feeling again with those antidepressants. It's like, you don't want to do life. Those antidepressants didn't help. They, they, they didn't help me. They didn't calm me down. They, they wanted me to just curl up and says, why am I here?

[00:51:51] Damon: Oh, that's really interesting. You know, I want to ask you something, though.

[00:51:56] Damon: Not so much related to your story as much as [00:52:00] your life now. You didn't grow up with parental love. You didn't really know what it was. Yet here you are as a married man and a parent. What is it like for you to be a parent who didn't have models of what parenting should be? How do you manage that?

[00:52:21] Jim: it's simple all these years as a husband and as a father, I'm trying to be the man that I wanted growing up. It's simple. I'm just trying to be the man I needed growing up. Everything that I didn't have, I want to be. Because how can somebody think about killing themselves when they're a teenager? How can someone live through sexual abuse? How can someone start drinking at 10 years old? How can someone not feel any love and still make [00:53:00] it? You know my, I, I got tattoos all, I got a lot of tattoos on my body. One of them is from Antoine Fisher, that movie. I'm still standing, I'm still strong. That's on my leg.

[00:53:10] Damon: Wow.

[00:53:11] Jim: And so my biological mother has been gone for two years. And there's a lot of promises that she used to tell me for those 20 years that I was equal to her other kids.

[00:53:23] Jim: Well, I just found out the last three months that I wasn't equal by some things that she did. What I won't mention, but I got the truth from my biological sister. And that tells me right there. And I told the last conversation I had with my biological sister. I told her, so that proves something right there.

[00:53:42] Jim: I was never equal to any of you guys. And I was, I was considered a bastard in her eyes. And you can't tell me that you can't ever tell me that's not true. And it's dead silence on the phone. And you know what? I got to just keep on going. I keep on [00:54:00] going and telling my story and hopefully it helps. I mean, how's a kid that you go to a sparring event, 21 years old comes up and hugs you and tells you, I knew you were going to come today and I wanted to hug you in person to tell you how much I thank you because of you being so transparent about your suicidal thoughts because as a teenager, I wanted to kill myself too.

[00:54:23] Jim: So I wanted to thank you and I wanted to cry. Did I cry? Hell yeah. On the way home after the event, I cried in my car like a baby. Thank you.

[00:54:32] Damon: yeah, for sure.

[00:54:34] Jim: got on the phone with my wife and told her what happened. Oh, I just started bawling, man.

[00:54:38] Damon: so let me ask you this, to anybody out there listening who's ever contemplated taking their own life what would you say to them?

[00:54:47] Jim: don't give up. even though you feel like it's the only hope you're gonna have peace, don't give up. You're gonna go to the next day and say, [00:55:00] okay, I can't take it no more. But you gotta keep going.

[00:55:04] Jim: I got the other tattoo, I got my other tattoo on my leg, it says, let your mess be your message. Look, look at my, look at my messed up life that I've had.

[00:55:13] Damon: Yeah.

[00:55:14] Jim: it's my message. though.

[00:55:16] Damon: Let your mess be your message.

[00:55:19] Jim: And again, I know one right here. It says, Everything that drowned me taught me how to swim.

[00:55:25] Damon: I love that. That's really cool. Man, Jim, you have lived through some serious trauma and adversity, but your positivity is amazing. And I love what you said about being everything that you didn't get.

[00:55:43] Damon: And this is a lot of what happens with people is we either grow up and decide we want to emanate what we saw or be the exact opposite.

[00:55:53] Damon: And we make every effort possible. And it sounds like that's what you're doing.

[00:55:58] Jim: Exactly. Exactly. You [00:56:00] know, it's a funny, I, you know, the, the program, this is us, right? I could watch it. my wife and daughter watched it when it first came out and they watched every episode, right? I watched one episode.

[00:56:09] Jim: I couldn't watch it. You know when I started watching it about a month ago I finally said, oh I said I finally said, okay, I'm ready to watch it now and I'm watching it now and I think it's healing me because they see me They know what parts are getting to me because tears are started running down my face but I'm not ashamed to cry.

[00:56:30] Jim: I'm not ashamed to cry in front of them because they know what I've been through. and the best thing that any parent could ever get from their child is when a kid comes up to them and tells them, dad, I'm so proud of you.

[00:56:42] Jim: What more do you want than that? something I never heard in your own daughter. Cause I'm so proud of you.

[00:56:50] Damon: Yeah. That's amazing, Jim. Thank you so much for being here, man. This was really inspirational. Despite all of the trauma, it was very [00:57:00] inspirational to talk to you. So thank you so much.

[00:57:02] Damon: I appreciate it, man.

[00:57:03] Jim: Thank you. Thank you.

[00:57:04] Damon: Hey, it's me. Jim grew up enduring multiple traumas, like the absence of expressions of love. beatings from his adoptive father, sexual abuse from his cousin, and the challenges of finding his way through substance abuse for decades. But despite having challenging relationships with both of his biological parents, Jim maintains a positive outlook on life, telling others, like him, to keep going because there's someone out there who loves you.

[00:57:39] Damon: Jim's words were, Let your mess be your message. I hope you're figuring out how to share your message with the world. I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you've found something in Jim's journey that inspired you, validates your feelings about wanting to search, or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn, [00:58:00] Who am I really? If you would like to share your story of adoption and your attempt to connect with your biological family, Please visit, who am i really podcast.com/share. You can follow me on Instagram at Damon l Davis and follow the show at W ai. Really, if you like the show, please take a moment to leave a five star review in your podcast app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[00:58:26] Damon: Your ratings really do help others to find the podcast too.