Patrice, from Northern Virginia, said that in her house adoption was never discussed when she was a kid. So her curiosity led to a secret search as an adult. While her birth mother had no plans to meet Patrice, in reunion, her birth father told everyone about his long lost daughter.
Unfortunately, the loneliness of the COVID 19 lockdown drove a wedge between Patrice and her birth father.
This is Patrice’s journey.
Who Am I Really?
Find the show on:
Transcript
244 - Love is Meant to Multiply
Cold Cut
[00:00:00] Patrice: She was alone. She was sent away to this unwed mother's home gave birth there. And, I just remember myself when I was giving birth that it was like, you really want somebody there with you.
[00:00:14] Patrice: So, cause it's scary but just to be 17 and be sent there alone and basically have nobody that really cares about you. You're just very much alone.
Show open
[00:00:52] Damon (2): I'm Damon Davis and you're about to meet Patrice. She lives in Northern Virginia. In her house, adoption was never discussed when she was a [00:01:00] kid. So her curiosity led to a secret search as an adult. While her birth mother had no plans to meet Patrice. In reunion, her birth father told everyone about his long lost daughter.
[00:01:12] Damon (2): Unfortunately, the loneliness of the COVID 19 lockdown drove a wedge between Patrice and her birth father. This is Patrice's journey.
Opening
[00:01:21] Damon (2): Patrice was born in Ohio but was moved to West Virginia where she was adopted. Her older brother was also adopted through Catholic Charities. Even though both kids were adopted and adoption seemed to be a positive thing from what she was told.
[00:01:37] Damon (2): It felt like the topic of adoption was taboo in their house. since they didn't talk about it at all, Patrice didn't truly understand the concept of how their family was formed. her family lived out in the country and she was the only girl in her area, so she tried to hang out with her older brother and his friends a lot as a kid.
[00:01:56] Damon (2): She was the kind of girl who couldn't turn down a dare to do something, [00:02:00] So, she often went home banged up with bruises from their antics. When Patrice got older, she discovered the clarinet.
[00:02:07] Damon (2): Becoming the first chair player in the state at the high school level. I asked about life in her home with her adoptive parents. How they were alike and how they were different. Patrice
[00:02:16] Patrice: Well, I guess I was like them. I mean, we're all Caucasian. And even with the adoption agency, I think they tried to match. Where you came from. So I was there was a lot of German and a lot of say British Isles in my biological background.
[00:02:36] Patrice: And then a lot of that was also in my adoptive background. So that was the similar part. Now the different part was that my parents were both very tall and so is my brother. But I'm this short little five foot two thing.
[00:02:52] Damon (2): So
[00:02:53] Patrice: I guess it's, it stuck out a little bit because of the size difference.
[00:02:57] Damon (2): Yeah, I could see that. [00:03:00] Did you guys look alike in other ways? Like you said, you're all Caucasian, but were you all brunettes or anything like that?
[00:03:06] Patrice: I my brother and I both had light blonde hair. My parents had kind of dark hair, but It wasn't so noticeable in that regard. I don't think our features looked much alike.
[00:03:18] Patrice: But that part really I don't know we could easily be walking down the street together and they wouldn't Think anything was unusual.
[00:03:25] Damon (2): Yeah, how about your personality traits? as a musician, that's a unique thing in a family But were your other family members musicians as well?
[00:03:34] Damon (2): Or what were some of the likenesses and differences in your personalities and interests?
[00:03:38] Patrice: Well, my dad actually was a professional musician. He had his own bands and they would travel all over the East coast and play for different parties and dance type events. And I guess I always thought, wow, that's a cool thing.
[00:03:55] Patrice: I want to do something that my dad's doing. My, my brother being two years [00:04:00] older was in the band. And so I was following after. What he was doing and then my dad's sister was also a musician and taught music So I guess there was that area where we clicked. I always excelled in school really well Probably exceeded what my adoptive parents did but I guess I was a little bit of a nerd But I say that with pride.
[00:04:24] Damon (2): Yeah, and you should. You should. Nerds make the world go round. Everybody has a contribution,
[00:04:29] Patrice: yes, indeed.
[00:04:30] Damon (2): Patrice has said that adoption wasn't discussed in her home. When she was older, getting married and starting a family were impactful her ongoing curiosity about her adoption. She didn't have bad feelings about being adopted. she was just curious about her roots. Patrice had a file of her adoption records from some half hearted attempts to search over the years.
[00:04:52] Damon (2): In January of 2014, a massive snowstorm had Patrice stuck in the house. So, she thought about the fact that [00:05:00] she had Time to re examine the files she had accumulated over the years. She knew that asking her adoptive mother about her adoption would be awkward. So Patrice made some phone calls to Catholic Charities, where she learned that her adoption had been finalized in the state of West Virginia, not Ohio. but Catholic Charities said they couldn't tell her anything else over the phone.
[00:05:21] Damon (2): They suggested she get an attorney, and they offered a name of a guy Whom Patrice ultimately hired for her case. I asked Patrice how she was feeling about hiring a stranger to help her search.
[00:05:33] Patrice: I was a little nervous.
[00:05:34] Patrice: After talking to this gentleman, I felt like, wow, this guy really knows something. And I felt confident that something was going to come of it finally, because I'd been getting so many closed doors before that, but I really felt confident. So this would have been about January of 2014.
[00:05:54] Patrice: And I finally got My birth parents information in [00:06:00] about November, so it took about 10 months or so until I finally had the, I had the name of my birth father. My birth mother didn't want to be known, but I actually found out her name and I found out my birth name. Before I ever found out anything from the attorney.
[00:06:20] Patrice: So that was an interesting twist.
[00:06:22] Patrice: Wow. Wait, how did you find out before the attorney?
[00:06:25] Patrice: Okay, so I've always been a little bit of a detective online so I found this guy, I guess you would call him a search angel. I mean, totally weird because, you're not supposed to meet a person online and tell them all your details, but here I was doing that.
[00:06:43] Patrice: And this guy was like in North Carolina and he was like, Oh, so you were born in Ohio. I'm like, yeah. He said, well, I have the Ohio birth index and I don't even really know what that means. But basically what he was able to do is I told [00:07:00] him my birth date and where, what hospital I was born in. And he was able to look up the babies who were born that day in the hospital.
[00:07:11] Patrice: So then he looked to see which ones had the same last name. Like. Or at least had a mother and a father listed, which mine didn't have a father list and it just had my birth mother. So he knew that was my case. So then he was able to pull it up and he told me what her name was.
[00:07:31] Patrice: And he also told me what name she had given me when I was born
[00:07:36] Patrice: So I knew all that before anything came forth with the attorney.
[00:07:41] Damon (2): Interesting. So even though you had Gotten yourself a private investigator. You continued to pursue this with a search angel. Like you were, it sounds like you were grasping for all options in this search.
[00:07:55] Patrice: Right. I was just a little bit of a detective and I also had a good [00:08:00] friend that was even more of a detective than me. So she was helping me a lot.
[00:08:05] Damon (2): since Patrice had her birth name, including her last name at birth, and some additional information, her team of investigators was able to determine where the woman lived in West Virginia. searching high school yearbooks for the last name she had at birth, Patrice was able to find two young women who shared her surname And were in high school at the time of her birth.
[00:08:27] Patrice: And
[00:08:28] Patrice: so I'm looking at these pictures thinking, okay, which one of them looks like me. Oh, maybe it's this one or my friend said, Oh, no, I think it's that one. And we're like, Oh, I don't know. So it's got to be one of these two women in these pictures.
[00:08:42] Patrice: So that was a light bulb moment that I Yeah. Saw that and I had it narrowed down to basically two people that could be my birth mother. And it turns out once I did find everything out, it was accurate. It was one of those two.
[00:08:55] Damon (2): Really? Wow. So you're sitting there [00:09:00] looking at these two women who are prospective candidates to be your birth mother.
[00:09:05] Damon (2): What is that like to be like at the precipice of finding the person, but not quite knowing which one it is.
[00:09:12] Patrice: It was confusing, but it was also very affirming that I was like, wow, I mean, how Of all the millions of billions of people in the world, I've narrowed it down to two and this is like, you know You almost felt like you almost won the lottery like almost won the lottery.
[00:09:29] Damon (2): Patrice's private investigator continued to narrow down the identities of the West Virginia women using social media, the old school telephone book, and information from the closed adoption records he had obtained. He sent a letter to both women to ask if either was the birth mother of a daughter they had given up for adoption.
[00:09:49] Damon (2): Simultaneously, Patrice had placed her name In a West Virginia adoption reunion registry. Great. Along the way, Patrice realized that the most acceptable thing to [00:10:00] say about why she wanted to search, both to keep the peace with her adoptive parents, and to appease the courts about her search, was to say that she was interested in genetic health information.
[00:10:11] Damon (2): She figured no one could argue against that desire.
[00:10:14] Damon (2): Patrice admitted that she did have some health issues at that time and she had gotten her doctor to draft a note legitimizing her health claims, but her real desires for search and reunion came from within. Patrice's hired attorney worked with a social worker in the state capital of Charleston, West Virginia, to reach out to her birth parents.
[00:10:34] Damon (2): The social worker acted as an intermediary, so she interviewed both birth parents to gather information like height, weight, eye and hair color, education levels attained, and social and health history.
[00:10:47] Patrice: I had all of that. And that was very helpful, but my birth mother didn't want any contact, but I knew what her name was at that point, even though I wasn't really supposed to know what her name was.
[00:10:59] Patrice: I [00:11:00] was able to figure it out at that point.
[00:11:02] Damon (2): How did you do that?
[00:11:03] Patrice: That might've been after I talked to my birth father, he told me her name, but he was really reluctant to tell me her name, but as I got to know him,
[00:11:15] Patrice: felt more comfortable telling me some things about her.
[00:11:19] Damon (2): Gotcha. So let's go to that part. How did you end up ultimately connecting with him? The social worker has interviewed them. She doesn't want any contact. So how were you able to break through to make contact with your birth father? And how was that?
[00:11:36] Damon (2): How did it go?
[00:11:37] Patrice: So my birth father, he lives up in Rockville, Maryland, and he was divorced and basically was by himself, and I feel like he didn't have anything to lose by making contact with me. Now, my birth mother was married, had two adult children, and somehow I doubt if [00:12:00] her husband knew of my existence.
[00:12:02] Patrice: So I think. She had a lot more at stake to have this long lost daughter showing up. So I could understand why she didn't want to make contact. But my birth father, he was all gung ho. He was ready to meet me. But you know, again, he didn't have anything to reveal or to lose.
[00:12:22] Patrice: It was all positive in his sight.
[00:12:26] Damon (2): Fascinating. So then what did you do? How did you make contact?
[00:12:29] Patrice: I had his phone number. And so on that November 13th, 2014 I called him and I just got his voicemail. I left a message and it was the next day that he called me back and we actually spoke for six hours on the phone.
[00:12:51] Damon (2): Wow.
[00:12:52] Patrice: And I, yeah, I was sitting there taking notes.
[00:12:55] Patrice: Was just writing down everything I could write. Because I just had [00:13:00] this feeling like this might be the only time I get to talk to him and I want to write down and know as much as I can.
[00:13:07] Damon (2): And then
[00:13:07] Patrice: A little bit into the conversation, which was six hours. He said, well, no, this isn't the only time we're going to talk, you don't have to feel stressed about writing things down.
[00:13:18] Patrice: So, we're going to. Talk again. So then I felt more relaxed. I didn't have to be taking notes like a crazy person. Yeah. So
[00:13:27] Damon (2): feverishly, right? Yeah. Wow. What was that like when you're sitting there you're talking to this guy, you've never met him before you're having extended conversation and you're thinking it's going to be the last time you might ever talk to him.
[00:13:42] Damon (2): And he sounds like very casually and confidently says, no, like this is the start of something. How was that for you?
[00:13:48] Patrice: I guess I was a little nervous because here you are meeting this strange man and you don't want to feel like you're revealing or connecting too much because this person is a stranger.[00:14:00]
[00:14:00] Patrice: So I was a little bit guarded. I mean, I was excited. I was excited beyond measure, but I was also a little guarded. So once we got to know each other a little bit, I actually did a background check on him because I wanted to make sure it wasn't talking to other people. convicted felon or something like that.
[00:14:18] Patrice: I wanted to make sure that, okay, this person is safe and is not going to be trying to do any harm to me or my family. But we ended up meeting in person about a month later.
[00:14:31] Damon (2): Patrice said that her birth father lived alone. He is blind and he doesn't drive. Her husband was supposed to go with her to meet her birth father, but at the last minute, he wasn't able to go. So Patrice had to meet this unknown man having a background check that came back all clear, made her feel a lot better about doing so. Her birth father was able to navigate the DC Metro system, so they connected at the Springfield Metro [00:15:00] stop. She parked her car in the kiss and ride where she could see him coming down the steps.
[00:15:04] Patrice: And I knew it was him and he had this. big bunch of flowers in his hands.
[00:15:09] Patrice: And I jumped out of my car and I ran up to him and I hugged him. And we had talked a lot. So it wasn't like just hugging some random stranger, but we actually held up traffic at the Springfield Metro, like our first actual encounter was like, here we are in the middle of the road, but. I don't care.
[00:15:30] Patrice: And nobody was honking their horns at us, but we just had this big hug right there in the middle of the street.
[00:15:36] Damon (2): Oh, that's amazing. I'm sure everybody saw this older gentleman, this younger lady. He's got flowers for her. They were like, you know what? This is not the time for me to sit on my horn. I'm sure it was a beautiful moment
[00:15:49] Patrice: it was, it really was. I mean, we were both in tears and Yeah, so he got in my car, we went over to Springfield Mall and had dinner. At a [00:16:00] nice restaurant over there and as we went into the restaurant he was telling everybody he's like this proud dad all of a sudden and he's like this is my baby girl and this is the first time we've met and I don't even have to put her in a high chair to have dinner with her because she's not a baby but this is still our first meeting.
[00:16:20] Damon (2): That's really funny. That's really interesting. How was it for you? One of the things you said the gentleman is blind and one of the things that's interesting about meeting a biological family member is that you get to look back and forth with at each other and examine one another, but he doesn't get to do that with you.
[00:16:40] Damon (2): How was that for you to be looking at him, but he can't really discern your visual likeness to himself. How was that for you?
[00:16:49] Patrice: Well, he could see just a little bit, but he was, legally blind. So I think he could see my face a little bit and probably I favor him [00:17:00] more than my birth mother.
[00:17:01] Patrice: I eventually brought him a box full of pictures of me. From young childhood all the way up to, getting married and all that. I had pictures of my whole life and he could see those a little bit and he was just like, wow. But he was not like totally blind, but like mostly blind, I guess
[00:17:25] Patrice: and he was just overjoyed that. And he had all these pictures of me throughout my life. and one, one thing related to the blindness that was interesting is he started going blind, like maybe in his forties. And at the time of our meeting, he was like, he was 64 and I was 44 and he had a bunch of health issues with his eyes and he had surgery.
[00:17:51] Patrice: On his eyes. And I think that maybe there was some botched surgery that led to his blindness. But he actually went [00:18:00] to NIH and had a full workup related to his blindness. I think it was like two days worth of testing that he had. And when he was there this was after we had connected.
[00:18:14] Patrice: And while he was there, he said, well, I have this biological child. And, I would like to have her evaluated, so we know if there's anything that she needs to look out for just because he was concerned that I would have any sort of blindness, which I hadn't had any trouble seeing ever and I still don't.
[00:18:34] Patrice: But I got to go to NIH and I had a full day workup to look at everything regarding my eyes. So the good news was that I don't have any of those issues that he has, but. The bad news was I was really hoping that they could do something from evaluating me that would lead them to be able to help him,
[00:18:56] Damon (2): but
[00:18:57] Patrice: there wasn't anything.
[00:18:58] Patrice: It was all good in terms [00:19:00] of my direction and. For him, things pretty much remain the same for, in terms of his sight, blindness and all that, but I thought that was really sweet of him to pursue that because they wanted to see if there was any genetic connection and apparently there wasn't.
[00:19:17] Damon (2): Interesting. And I love that you said you were hoping to be able to contribute something to his better health, right? You got something by being there. Sure. and being participatory in the entire evaluative process that figured out whether you had a genetic linkage to his blindness, but I like that you were also hoping to contribute something back to basically helping or curing him.
[00:19:43] Damon (2): That's really sweet. I ask you, What did he tell you about your conception? Because it sounds like to this point, there's not really any prospect of you meeting your biological mother.
[00:19:53] Damon (2): So you're only going to get one side of the story. What was his side of the story for you?
[00:19:57] Patrice: Okay. So they were he was 19 [00:20:00] and she was 16, I think when they met and she got pregnant at 16 And I think they had dated for maybe a year or so. So they knew each other pretty well. It wasn't just like a one, one night stand.
[00:20:14] Patrice: It wasn't anything like that. They were in a loving relationship. But she got pregnant. Pregnant and I, he told me that it was like her first time ever having sex, but she got pregnant with me. And then my biological father, his name's Joe. Joe had this cousin who was a OBGYN. And so it was his cousin that actually did the pregnancy test.
[00:20:40] Patrice: so, when the doctor got the result of the test, he came over to Joe's house and said, he's pregnant. And I think he had already been in touch with my birth mother to say.
[00:20:52] Patrice: You're pregnant. So it was kind of interesting that it was Joe's cousin, who was the doctor that, that told him [00:21:00] the news.
[00:21:01] Damon (2): So then what ended up happening with their relationship?
[00:21:05] Patrice: So, both of my biological parents were being raised by a single parent. And the reason for that is, in my biological mother's case, she died when my birth mother was like 13.
[00:21:19] Patrice: And then on my birth father's side, his father died. I think my birth father was maybe like eight or nine years old when his dad died. So birth mother was being raised by her father. Birth father was being raised by his mother. And, back in 1970, especially, I think things were a lot more difficult.
[00:21:42] Patrice: So both of the single parents had to work really hard just to be able to support the kids.
[00:21:48] Damon (2): My,
[00:21:49] Patrice: My birth mother was an only child and she did not get along well with her father. It was just a very tumultuous relationship.
[00:21:58] Patrice: Now my, my birth [00:22:00] father had an older brother and so they were being raised by their mother who was a nurse and you know she was working all kinds of overtime just to be able to put food on the table and to keep support the kids and maybe one other piece in here that's related somehow but I was the only child that my birth father ever had and my birth mother went on to get married and had but my birth father, I was the only one and he had been married for like 24 years and never told his wife that he had fathered a child.
[00:22:38] Patrice: So. That was interesting that, he could be married all those years and she would never know and then they never had any children together.
[00:22:46] Damon (2): Eventually, Joe shared Patrice's birth mother's name with her, which allowed her to go back to the yearbook pictures and clearly identify which woman was her birth mother. She said it was mind blowing to [00:23:00] think she was actually looking at her own mother's face. Her friend, who had been assisting her search, agreed that once they were able to identify the correct woman in the photos, the younger version of Patrice's birth mother really did resemble Patrice.
[00:23:15] Damon (2): Patrice said it was one of those moments when time just seemed to stand still. But Patrice's social worker had shared that the woman did not want any contact with Patrice.
[00:23:27] Patrice: I did
[00:23:27] Patrice: have the medical information and the social information about her. And so I had that much, which was important, but I felt rejected that she didn't want to have any contact with me, but I understood it because she, he's married and her husband likely doesn't know about me.
[00:23:47] Patrice: So I didn't want to take things up or cause any stress, the barge into her life. So, but knowing who she was, like I could look her up online. Like I know where she works. I know her address. I [00:24:00] know where she lives, but I'm not going to. I'm not going to disrupt anything with her. I mean, she's got my name and my address too, so she could always reach out to me if she really wanted to, but that's been like 10 years and she hasn't, so I really doubt if that would happen.
[00:24:19] Patrice: One other thing related to that is interesting. So when I, the attorney, Was able to get all of his information and then eventually sent send it to me and all of the names and identifying information on the records that the attorney had were supposed to be redacted and It wasn't supposed to have hit my birth mother's name or my birth father's name.
[00:24:46] Patrice: It was all supposed to be blacked out on the papers, but somehow when they sent it to me, none of it was scratched out.
[00:24:55] Patrice: don't know if that was an accident or maybe somebody was like, Hey, this girl really needs to know. [00:25:00] I don't know which it was, but that was pretty interesting. But at that point I already knew what her name was, but it was just like, Wow, somebody really goofed here, but it's all good.
[00:25:11] Damon (2): So you reached out to her.
[00:25:13] Damon (2): You were rejected in making contact with her as an adult. Do you maintain an effort to try to reach out to her? Some people will send the annual Christmas card, just to make sure people know that you're still out there and thinking of them. Like, do you do anything to try to remind her that you're still open to connecting?
[00:25:35] Patrice: No, I haven't because I just felt like she clearly didn't want any connection with me. So I've never sent her a Christmas card or anything like that. Now the one, one little connection that we had was when the social worker was interviewing her over the phone, I had written a very short letter to my birth mother and the social worker read it to my birth mother and it was [00:26:00] basically like Tell her a little bit about my life, that I went to college, and I had a good life, and I have two children, and, we're doing great, and, just to let her know that I'm a Christian, and that I've been praying for this moment for years to just be knowing something about her.
[00:26:20] Patrice: And just, I told her I, I loved her and I wanted all the best for her. So she at least had that much information. And the social worker told me that after the letter, the brief, very brief letter was read to her, that there was just silence. I could just understand that it really meant something to her.
[00:26:39] Patrice: But he knew that. So we could never connect.
[00:26:43] Damon (2): Yeah, I'm sorry. That's really rough. Because you wouldn't be here without her. And you want to at least get one chance to see her, meet her, connect. And she's just not able to go back to those days.
[00:26:56] Patrice: Yeah. And I understand how painful that must have been, being [00:27:00] a mother myself, I just can't imagine what that would feel like to be handing over your baby to somebody else.
[00:27:08] Patrice: And I do know that when I was, she was basically sent away from her family. To this place in Ohio where I was born, according, that was a common thing back in those days. So here she was 17. She was alone. She was sent away to this unwed mother's home and gave birth there. And, I just remember myself when I was giving birth that it was like, you really want somebody there with you.
[00:27:38] Patrice: So, And cause it's scary but just to be 17 and be sent there alone and basically have nobody that really cares about you. You're just very much alone. That's what I could picture from her. situation.
[00:27:52] Patrice: How alone she was.
[00:27:54] Damon (2): Yeah, it's, and it's good that you're able to hold empathy for her situation back then, [00:28:00] right?
[00:28:00] Damon (2): A lot of times we're so selfish to just think, why don't you want to know me? And the truth is, we have to remind ourselves of the trauma that our birth parents went through at the time that we were conceived and eventually relinquished. And those aren't memories to return to. So it's nice to hear that you're, Like I said, holding that empathy for her in that situation that she found herself in.
[00:28:24] Damon (2): So
[00:28:25] Patrice: one other thing I know about her was she was before she even got pregnant with me. She was on track to finish high school one year early. And so, she graduated from high school. pregnant with me, but I don't think she was showing yet. So in those days, a girl would not have been allowed to continue high school being pregnant.
[00:28:49] Patrice: So that's another big difference
[00:28:51] Damon (2): in how
[00:28:51] Patrice: we are today versus back then. So is
[00:28:54] Damon (2): it your assertion that she may have been pushed out of school if she was [00:29:00] pregnant?
[00:29:00] Patrice: Right, but the fact that she was already on track to finish early before she ever got pregnant, I mean, she was very advanced and like, very smart and, had a lot of career aspirations for herself.
[00:29:14] Patrice: So she graduated early and that would have been like, what, May or June of 1970. And then I was born in October of 1970. So I think she graduated. And then sometime in the summer, she was sent away and she gave birth to me in October then began college in January. So really it didn't set her back in terms of her schooling more than just, basically the first semester of college she missed.
[00:29:48] Damon (2): Yes.
[00:29:48] Patrice: But not really, because she was able to start college still like a semester. Earlier than what most people her age would have done. So, she had a lot of goals for herself. [00:30:00] Like I could just tell by seeing how her, what her career is. And she also has a medical career too. So that's interesting that we both have that.
[00:30:11] Patrice: That is fascinating. And then one other little, interesting thing was, for the very first Mother's Day after meeting my birth father, he had a bunch of photos of him with her when they were teenagers. And He gave me this collage of pictures, and a couple of the pictures were from her junior, prom. so, the two of them are in this picture. she was pregnant at that time, but not showing. Joe said to me, you see these prom pictures? He goes, I actually took two girls to the prom, meaning my small birth mother and hit and
[00:30:50] Damon (2): Your birth mother and you,
[00:30:52] Patrice: right. So he took two girls to the prom.
[00:30:54] Damon (2): That's really cute. That's really cute. And
[00:30:57] Patrice: I had pictures of all that. So, [00:31:00] him giving her the flowers, she's sitting in the car, smiling, getting ready to go to the prom. that was really neat.
[00:31:07] Patrice: I had all these pictures. I mean, that, present. For mother's day was the best mother's day present I ever had or ever will have that was just How shocking is that you get pictures of your own mother that you've never seen before you get that on mother's day
[00:31:25] Damon (2): Wow, that's
[00:31:27] Patrice: really cool.
[00:31:27] Patrice: It was astounding.
[00:31:29] Damon (2): As we were talking, I remembered that Patrice's family didn't discuss adoption at all when she was young. So, I was curious how she revealed and shared her reunion. The yearning to search and obtain answers, And the journey to collect facts and make connections can be received by adoptive families differently, from supportive and receptive to jealousy and more ugly behavior.
[00:31:52] Damon (2): when I asked Patrice about her experience with her adoptive family, she said she didn't tell her parents about the search and she [00:32:00] was hesitant to say anything because the topic was taboo.
[00:32:04] Damon (2): Patrice's parents and one of her aunts were all planning to celebrate Thanksgiving together, So she knew they would all be in the same house when she called to break the news. Patrice first spoke with her aunt, revealing she had found her biological parents, then asked how her aunt thought her adoptive parents would receive the news.
[00:32:24] Damon (2): Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being ecstatic for the reunion, and 1 being they would never speak to Patrice again. Her aunt signaled that she thought her mom would be distraught over the news, assigning a value of about 3 or 2 to her receptivity. Moving to Patrice's father, her aunt thought he'd be kinda neutral.
[00:32:45] Damon (2): Not offended, but not excited. More of a 5.
[00:32:49] Patrice: So that day, I was on the phone with Aunt Mary, and then I talked to each of my parents separately. The first one I talked to was Mom, and she happened to be like [00:33:00] upstairs in the house, and Dad was like downstairs in the house. So that was good that they were both not knowing what this conversation was.
[00:33:08] Patrice: So I told Mom first, and she was really quite hurtful to me. Her first thing that she said was, Well, I guess we weren't good enough for you. And that was very hurtful. So I was trying to say to her mom, I really think that the way love works is that love is meant to multiply in your life and not divide or subtract.
[00:33:33] Patrice: That, there's more people for me to love and there's more people to love me. And my family, my kids, and I don't feel like it's going to take away any of the relationship that I have with you or dad. And I think she had to let that sink in for a while and eventually she was okay with it.
[00:33:55] Patrice: She's not hurtful at all towards me. It was just that first initial [00:34:00] comment of, Oh, I guess we weren't good enough for you. And she said it like that, like, Oh my goodness, like. That was a really big blow to me. And then talking to dad, he was like, Oh, okay, that's good, and that was pretty much it.
[00:34:15] Patrice: Dad was just neutral. Didn't have much to say. And that was all right. And then they actually, my parents actually met Joe at my house for my daughter's birthday. This was March of 2015. And. They all sat at my kitchen table and we're talking and everybody was very cordial and and rewind just one little bit here. My mom still says to me we were promised that those records would remain sealed and she felt very violated That I would be able to get this information that she just really didn't like the idea.
[00:34:51] Patrice: She felt like the record should have remained sealed and like, almost like, how dare you even want this to be open because this is [00:35:00] what they were promised when I was born.
[00:35:02] Damon (2): This is the challenge we face, right? His promises were made. Times have changed and the babies that were adopted are grown up and they're able to express themselves.
[00:35:16] Damon (2): They have their own opinions, their own values, their own desires. And it's just not necessarily the situation that many adoptive parents. Expected nor prepared themselves for, and I think it's important to acknowledge that piece is a lot of adoptive parents go forth with the assumption that everything will remain as it was promised and as they expected, and they haven't planned for any contingencies whatsoever, and that is partially how your mom ended up feeling hurt, right?
[00:35:52] Damon (2): She hadn't planned for any contingency. And I'm, I always like to remind people, like, we're all new to this. I've never [00:36:00] been through adoption reunion before, so I don't know how this is going to go, right? It's not like you do this every day, like, when you change jobs, you're like, well, when I changed my last job, I did this.
[00:36:09] Damon (2): Like, you can't, you don't have that referential background to fall back on. So, she would not have had this,
[00:36:15] Damon (2): That, that's not something she can, have possibly created a contingency for in her mind. However, it is still a valuable exercise for for folks to try to do. And it's unfortunate that she said such hurtful things. But I love what you said, Patrice, this idea that I believe love is meant to multiply.
[00:36:34] Damon (2): That's really powerful and very well said. And I'm so glad you thought of that at the time when you were talking to her, because that's exactly right. It's not meant to be contained. restrained, consolidated in a certain number of people, you're allowed to meet and build relationships with other folks.
[00:36:54] Damon (2): And these are friends and family members. And that's just, it's wonderful that you said that. So I'm glad that you were able [00:37:00] to reach a point where everybody could sit down at your kitchen table and meet and be cordial. That's really impressive. She came a long way.
[00:37:06] Patrice: Yeah, it really, that was important to me just to have them all together in my house.
[00:37:12] Patrice: And everyone's laughing and During some food and having a good time. So, I think a lot of the fears that my mom had were really felt like it comfortable. She was okay. And then I think it was an interesting piece that I met my birth father, but I had met my birth mother, I don't think my mom would have been as receptive because I think she would have felt threatened by or feeling like she was going to be replaced if I had met my birth mother.
[00:37:46] Patrice: dad on the other hand just didn't, he wasn't, he didn't feel, Any negative emotion about the whole thing. He was, but yeah, my mom would have felt really bad if I connected with my birth mother, [00:38:00] probably even now, if I made some kind of connection with her, I don't think it would go well at all.
[00:38:06] Damon (2): I agree. I think there's a lot of challenge in our adoptive parents meeting what I will loosely call their direct competitor, right? It's there. It's not a competition, but that's how it feels potentially to some of our adoptive parents is if I hadn't been on the scene, this is the person who would have done the job that I did, or this is the person who actually brought my child into this world.
[00:38:33] Damon (2): And, I don't have a biological connection to them, and that can feel very that can, that's a vulnerable place of emotions as well, so you're absolutely right. I think if your adoptive mother, given what she said and what her initial emotions were, if you had introduced her to your biological mother, I suspect that probably would have been a very challenging introduction.
[00:38:55] Damon (2): Right.
[00:38:55] Damon (2): It was at this point in our conversation that I made the mistake of [00:39:00] thinking Patrice's story was over, and I started to close the show. I was thanking her profusely for her time. I said I was glad that she got more than one conversation with her birth father and that they were able to develop a relationship and she even got to introduce Joe to her adoptive parents.
[00:39:16] Damon (2): Patrice stopped me because she had something else to say. She shared that she and Joe spoke nearly every day for five years from 2015 to 2020. Unfortunately, in 2020, The world went into a pandemic, and Patrice's work in healthcare completely disrupted her ability to be in touch with Joe daily.
[00:39:38] Damon (2): It wasn't just Joe. Patrice didn't have any time to talk to anyone. Along the way, Joe developed the notion in his head that,
[00:39:47] Patrice: Laura's doing something. Laura's having an affair. So that's why she's not calling me because she's doing something that [00:40:00] she shouldn't be doing. And I think he felt very jealous And when he first started saying stuff to me, I thought he was joking.
[00:40:08] Patrice: Cause he's a real jokester kind of person. And then I realized he's not joking. Like he really thinks that I was out there having an affair and he even acted like he. He saw me doing something, and first of all, he's blind, second of all, he doesn't drive, and third of all, there was nothing going on, so I don't know what he thought he saw, but I tried to convince him, like, no, I, I don't do that's just not me, I would never do something like that So spent a long time trying to convince him that wasn't true, but he had it all in his mind that was the reason I wasn't calling him.
[00:40:48] Patrice: So I had to break it off because I just couldn't stand that somebody that I had built a relationship with Would believe those kind of things about me. [00:41:00] So, I talked to him maybe a couple times a year now so that's where we are right now, and it's a little sad But That's the way it is.
[00:41:09] Damon (2): Yeah, that is sad. And I wonder if, this is a man who lives alone, lives with blindness. Like he's probably fairly isolated. I don't know anything about his social structure, but here comes this wonderful new relationship with his daughter and I'm sure he developed quite an attachment to you.
[00:41:28] Damon (2): This is a new outlet for his social interaction. And then it was. Broken by the COVID pandemic. And he, it sounds like just was not able to reconcile your need to divert your attention to your clinical, responsibilities away from him. And, I also wonder too, sometimes when folks get older, they're the solitary confinement and the sort of mental deterioration can also play a factor, [00:42:00] right?
[00:42:00] Damon (2): If he's basically imagining that you're having an affair, like that's a pretty serious scenario to both come up with and follow through on to the point where he would be openly accusatory towards you and hold to it is a big deal. And I wonder if there may not be some signs of a cognitive impairment that's starting to develop where to release that either.
[00:42:23] Damon (2): So I'm sorry that happened, Patrice. That's
[00:42:25] Patrice: crazy. I actually spoke with his physician to say like what, what was going on and let him know and also interesting was that Joe's brother who lives in Silver Spring, he's a retired clinical psychologist. And so I spoke to him to say, What do you think about this?
[00:42:47] Patrice: Cause this is just totally bizarre. I don't know why he's saying these hurtful things about me. And so my uncle said, Laura, I believe you, I believe what you're saying is true. I don't know where Joe's [00:43:00] coming up with these things, but. He goes, I understand that it's hurtful to you. And, he was really disgusted with Joe for behaving like that.
[00:43:10] Damon (2): I
[00:43:10] Patrice: did get some validation from other people.
[00:43:13] Damon (2): good. Well, I'm so sorry that happened, Patrice, but thank you so much for being here and sharing your journey, and I hope you're doing okay. This is a lot to go through, and, but, you got some closure, right, and
[00:43:27] Patrice: Yeah, I think I originally reached out to you maybe a year or two ago.
[00:43:32] Patrice: And I thought, I really want to share my story, but with this, the way this ended, I just felt it was so raw that I didn't want to, didn't really know I could talk about it, but now I just felt like I can talk about it now and not feel bad. It was just such a, high emotion with all of this and, high emotion, the way it ended, but, I still attack on him every so often.
[00:43:58] Patrice: But it's just not a [00:44:00] regular thing. I don't really want to encourage him because I think he still maintains his belief on what I was doing during the COVID 19 pandemic.
[00:44:11] Damon (2): Yeah, I hear you. I hear you. All right. Patrice, thank you so much. Take care. Okay.
[00:44:17] Patrice: Thanks. And I really enjoy your podcast and I've read your book and you're just really been, A big inspiration to me and I wish you all the best with your second book.
[00:44:27] Patrice: I'm looking forward to reading it
[00:44:29] Damon (2): That's so amazing. Thank you so much for the kind words patrice. I've been Working very hard on it. I took a little break from it But i'm about to resume and i've got some great ideas and a new process going forward So i'm super excited about diving back into that writing.
[00:44:42] Damon (2): So thank you so much for the support and the compliments appreciate it
[00:44:45] Patrice: Yes, i'm excited too. We'll take care of damon Thanks, bye bye
Closing
[00:44:51] Damon (2): Hey, it's me. Patrice grew up in a family created [00:45:00] by adoption, but they never discussed what adoption meant as a family. That probably fueled her secret curiosity to search, and clearly prevented her from sharing the journey with her adoptive parents. I was sorry to hear that her birth mother was not able to bring herself to be in contact with Patrice.
[00:45:18] Damon (2): Maternal reunion rejection can be a devastating blow, but so can the hurtful words of adoptive parents when their initial reaction to reunion news is to focus on themselves with comments like, I guess we weren't good enough.
[00:45:32] Damon (2): I frequently say, That adoptive parents need to prepare themselves ahead of time for the day when their child expresses interest in or reveals their reunion. You only get one chance to respond in that situation, and even though Patrice and her mom seem to have gotten over it, her mom's initial reaction is clearly seared in Patrice's memory.
[00:45:54] Damon (2): That whole situation is avoidable when an adoptive parent shows up thoughtful and supportive of [00:46:00] their child, even if the initial shock of what has been revealed stings at first. I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you've found something in Patrizia's journey that inspired you, validates your feelings about wanting to search, or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn, who am I really?
[00:46:20] Damon (2): like we said in the show, I'm working on book two, based on the stories I've heard here about adoption and reunion. I'll be sure to keep you posted on how the next book is coming along.