184 – Merging Who I Was Supposed To Be With Who I Am
Heidi, from Silicon Valley, California, grew up walking on eggshells, crying a lot and “staying small” in her world despite being gifted. She found her maternal family guided by a somewhat famous reunion specialist who helped the reunion along.
Heidi says reunion can be weird and awkward for how much time has passed while an adoptee tries to get to know their biological relatives in the present. Her reunions are further complicated by the emotions of her birth mother and birth father being the opposite reactions to her return than she expected. This is Heidi’s journey
Lyrics to Looking For Me (Lyrics)
Looking for Me (Heidi Frederick © 2021)
My life a blurry canvas, full of pain and sometimes numb
No voice, no choice, grasping for joy, yet slipping through my hands
So lost without direction, afraid to ask for help
full of fear and loneliness, days and nights all by myself
Silent struggle of a misfit, just trying to fit in
please tell me what to hope for, don’t let me down again
Missing peace, missing pieces, yet not a search for them,
I’m looking for me, to set me free, know who I truly am
Searching for places, strangers faces, no reflection found
was looking for them, yet searching for me
alone, yet in a crowd
If you could only know, my motive is so pure
Not looking to replace you, our relationship, secure
It’s not them I’m looking for, it’s me I long to know,
You chose me then, you choose me now, but I need to heal and grow
Can’t imagine, what they went through, so young and so alone
knowing she’s a part of you and suddenly she’s gone
They told you to move on, you’ll have more kids one day
It’s better not to hold her, just turn and walk away
Searching for places, strangers faces, no reflection found
was looking for you, but searching for me
still alone, yet in a crowd
Ties that bind, can’t be broken with false promised and empty words
After all this is your child, yet, she’s no longer yours
She’s spent her whole life wondering, if one day you would meet
no bitterness or resentment, not filled with rage or hate
With secrets and shame comes darkness, but courage and hope bring light
Walls come down, healing is found, not easy, but worth the fight.
My life, now a mosaic of brokenness and light
To rise and shine for all to see, to pass the torch of life
Searching for places, strangers faces, my reflection found
In my search for you, I’ve been set free
my soul no longer bound.
Searching for places, strangers faces, my reflection found
In my search for you, I’ve been set free
my soul no longer bound.