Elisa lives outside of Philadelphia. She shares her story of the DNA test. She completed to learn more about her heritage that surprisingly linked her to her birth mother. The woman was lifelong friends with Elisa’s birth father’s family, but the man never knew that Elisa existed until her birth mother helped connect them at her own home. Elisa’s birth mother has met her adoptive parents which filled an unrecognized void in her parents’ lives this is Elisa’s journey
Transcript
165 - Elisa Hoffman
Cold Cut
[:And then also kind of took me off the hook there a little bit,
Show Intro
[:Opening
[:[:traumatic and yeah, a lot of [:And, , she, you know, talked to her doctor and he said, oh, it's just stress and stress. Don't worry about it. , and then my mom's stomach was getting really big and hard. And my dad told her that he was worried about her and they should go to the doctor and she went and found out she was seven months pregnant with my brother.
Oh my God. Yeah.
[:[:[:Wow.
[:[:[:in a way I kind of was like, [:[:[:[:[:ired teachers now. , so they [:[:[:, I think it was a little like harsher on them. Not, not bad in a bad way, but you know, harder on them than on me. , and then, you know, , I couldn't do, like, I couldn't do any wrong for him. I went to a different high school than my brothers went to.
And, , those were like some [:So lots of bonding time and we're very, we have very similar personalities, like, you know, we're, , very like friendly and funny.
[:[:but what happened was in,:They, , found my nephew's biological sister living like an hour and a half away from us.
[:[:Yeah.
t's a crazy story. , so, , I [:ar, it's like for December of:okay. That's interesting. I [:And it said, it was from this woman and it said, what is your birthday? You came up as a match on ancestry. I did give a baby for adoption.
son, I just, I never thought [:[:that's right.
Wild. Wow.
[:[:[:wasn't really ready for that [:and then she replied and, you know, was just like very excited. And that's the day I had the baby I gave up and you know, where do we go from here? And where do you live? What do you look like? And I was just like, Ooh, whoa, That was just a lot for me.
[:Or was it a lot in that like, oh, a large volume of unexpected emotions is as happening? Like tell me, what do you mean when you say it was
[:, it just threw me for such a loop. It was just,
[:[:[:It just sounds like it just like it took off out of nowhere.
[:[:[:e, so wanted to let her know [:And I said, , if you want to email me, can. So kind of, I was thinking like, if I keep it at like at email, then it's just, you know, keeping a distance in that way. It's not as personal as talking on the phone, you know,
[:Like a phone conversation, the person's voice in your ear is fairly intimate. No.
[:And it was just, it was a lot too, cause I was just trying to think, like, I dunno, like I just, I just, there, I didn't know what I wanted to know. And then, you know, was I going to tell my parents about it? , and it was just, you know, I had a lot going on with my parents anyway, and like the year before.
arents into assisted living. [:, so I mean, it was just in the middle of all of that happening too. And I was like, I have enough, I have so much going on with my pant, with one set of parents. And it was just like, I don't know what I'm going to do, how to handle having another set.
[:ndy's outreach. So they went [:[:ld see more pictures. Um, so [:even agreeing to it between each other too, right,
right. Yeah. Neither one of us ever said, like, let's just take, let's slow this down.
Take note. We didn't do that. It just kind of happened that way.
[:[:I think, I mean, I know she, she had been looking for me for a long time.
[:end meeting for the summer of:[:
So I had to like, had to text her and say like, we're not coming. , because we were sick and I just felt so bad. And then I was like, I wonder if she really believes me, because it was just so weird, um, you know, the timing of it
[:[:[:[:You're all coming with me. Yes. So we had a plan that, , they, she and I would meet up at a restaurant, , by ourselves, you know, just the two of us on Friday night. We had a plan to like go to the restaurant, like right next to where is the hotel that I was staying at. , and she wound up like being a little bit late.
is. Emotional moving moment, [:Yeah. It
[:[:[:[:[:[:She was living with a friend. In the city, , she never car, she was working, but not a great job. And she just knew that she wouldn't be able to give to children what they need.
[:[:grateful that she did that. [:[:How do you mean.
[:nd her family there's a lot. [:It's just strange. Almost sounds like
a lot of drama.
, so , you know, we finished dinner and then she. I said, well, I'll give you a ride back to the hotel. Um, which was really like, I could've just walked, but she was like, oh yeah, she didn't. I could tell, like, she didn't want this to end, which is fine. It was still early. Um, so she drove me over to the, , to the hotel and like stopped in the, you know, like drop off area.
telling me stories about, , [:So I didn't know what to do. I was like, do I, you know, do I try to like to end this or do I let her keep going? And, you know, we were sitting in my car and I always think now I'm like, why didn't I just say, let's go sit in the lobby. Like, I don't know,
So it was, it was nice. she's very nice. She's , , kind of quiet, laid back. , but you know, very sweet person. That's all
[:and a, you know, adoption reunion from the front seat of the vehicle.
[:And we hugged each other and, uh, that was it for that night.
[:Elisa's daughters were just a little older than their cousins and they were kind of nervous about meeting the new family members. Her daughters were unsure what to say or how to act. Elisa told her girls just be nice and polite and try to have fun.
. I wondered if Elisa looked [:[:range to me, but I was like, [:So she gave me the names of their wives. , so I looked on Facebook and I couldn't really tell totally by looking, you know, so I did a little like detective. , so I was like, I on ancestry DNA, I have so many cousins, like, there's, there's just so many cousin matches on my account. I would never be able to go through all of them.
t cousin, , was friends with [:Interesting.
[:[:And I said, Do you think that you would like ever tell him about this? Cause then it felt weird to me that I would know this and she would know this and that he wouldn't, I don't know, , it's not that I wanted to like stir up anything, but it just seemed like something that he should know.
with them. , so, , she said, [:So she told his niece and, , his niece said that she was going to try to figure out. to tell him. and he was very like shocked. I mean, you can imagine,
[:You didn't know, like, that's crazy.
[:[:Elisa's biological [:[:I was like, I don't know if anybody told you, but. Elisa coming, this weekend. So, , he did wind up coming. She told me like on Friday that he said he was going to come to the get together on Saturday night. Wow.
[:All right. But knowing that you would be there, he was planning to show. Yes.
[:hat must've been incredibly, [:[:[:[:[:[:[:bit because, , his sister, , [:Um, so that the fact that she, you know, it was very important to her to come to meet me. And so just like seeing her, it was very touching, but like, she came up to me and she like put her hands on my face and she just looked at me and just nodded like, oh my gosh, I get chills now just thinking about it.
Yeah, it was really, it was really special. She actually just passed away so yeah, she was a very special person to a lot of people like everybody there, you know, she was aunt now to all those people, everybody , in our community, you know, in my, you know, the two parts of my family that are there, she was a very special person.
at I got to meet her. Um, so [:So we sat down on that, , together. , and he was, he's just, he's so sweet. He's just this really sweet, nice guy. Like, you know, he was asking me questions, , and he was telling me how he was a retired long distance truck driver and he, and he said, he's like, I used to drive up and down 95, like all those years.
Like, and that's, you know, Philadelphia is right on 95. Like you drive right through the city. And so , I just , felt bad because it kind of, you know, he's kind of saying like if I had only known, you know,
[:[:Wow.
[:[:Yeah, exactly. And not like angry, , you know, just kinda wished, you know, he had a missed out on it, I guess. Cause he never had any children of his own, other than me
[:[:nd his wife, and then he has [:, thinking back on your biological father, I'm thinking about the fact that he walked into this party, to this woman who he hasn't, you know, he hasn't been with in years, didn't know he had a child and you're the only child he ever knew. It's not like he walked in with the confidence of like, if this doesn't work out, I'm just going back to my own kids. There were no other kids. It was you and nobody else. That's really fascinating.
Yeah.
[:She only texts with Cindy. They don't actually talk on the phone. Alyssa called cindy's home on that first christmas eve to wish everyone a merry christmas and they spoke by phone that day but since then it's only been texting between them cindy
doesn't call
[:And, uh, my biological father, I texted him, , cause I got his number and so I texted him after we met and then I didn't hear back from him for , probably a couple months. , I think it was again another like overwhelming thing for him because he's very like sensitive. So I think that he needed to kind of, you know, process actually meeting me, but he, he likes to talk on the phone.
"bye my girl" and, you know, [:[:[:w, just very sensitive about [:yeah, very common. Right.
A lot of people. Stiffen up when you ask questions and you express curiosity, because this is now their fear coming to life. Right, right. Oh, this is the moment she's going to tell me she's searching or she's going to tell me she found somebody. You know what I mean? So how did you share the one? How did you share being found.
And two, how did you share the fact that you have met these folks?
, well I told them probably like a week after , I found out, cause again, I didn't want to upset them, but , I just felt like they had to know. Cause it just, I couldn't keep that a secret. , so I just told, them, you know, that she found me, which is true.
And then also [:They know that we are close and I think it just made it easier. They know I'm not going anywhere. So I think the timing of that made it a lot easier for them. , but when we were leaving to go out there, , I say goodbye to my dad. He was like, he's like, just, he's like, just promise me this don't change anything between us, you
know? So they still had that fear, like still there, you know?
[:[:oing to go over. But that was:re. Uh, my biological mother [:And she was like, I don't understand I don't need this. I don't need to meet her. , she, she was just so resistant to it. and so I was like, oh gosh, I don't know how this is going to happen. but my biological mother came, she came with her sister and they each brought like one other grandsons.
and they met and it was fine. And I knew which I was trying to say, like, she's a very nice person. Like you don't have, she doesn't want anything from you. She just wants to thank you. She wants to meet you and thank you. And it went okay. And then at one point. asked, uh, my, sorry, my adopted mom asked my biological mom to go and to come into her bedroom for a minute to talk.
nd then they came out and my [:And it was really nice. I just got the sense that my parents, , got something from it that theydidn't know that they needed.
I mean, I think they were just so scared that it never like occurred to them that maybe, it would be nice to meet her and to, know that she appreciates what they did.
It was just like this, sense of peace that , I could see in them. And so it was just really nice. It's
[:ow, probably that this other [:[:[:I'm so glad this story unfolded as nicely as it did, especially for as abruptly as it came at you. I mean, I can't imagine sitting there looking at my phone and getting that curve ball if I wasn't actually looking. Right,
[:[:And it sounds like it also reassured you for the life that you did leave live, which I think is also really cool.
[:[:[:[:[:Outro
[:It was fascinating to hear that her birth mother Cindy. I knew her birth father's family well enough to invite them over to her place and that her birth father was open and brave enough to meet Elisa for the first time there. It's crazy to think he was a long haul, trucker driving up and down the east coast during his career passing through Philadelphia regularly.
orld that gets even smaller. [:That photo Elisa took of Cindy with her parents must be a cherished memory from that day. I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you found something in Elisa's journey that inspires you. Validates your feelings about wanting to search or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn. Who am i really