182 – Avoiding Dysfunction For My Mental Health

Cold Cut Intro

I felt rudderless. Even though I didn't know a name for it, which they called the genetic mirroring and seeing yourself in your parents or your parents seeing themselves in you, there just wasn't any of that growing up. And I, and I sense my parents' disappointment that I wasn't turning out to be the kid that they had hoped I was gonna become.

Intro

and challenged to control his behavior. In reunion, David found his paternal family, but similar elements of dysfunction in their family and drastically differing opinions prevent him from getting any closer. This is david's journey

Opening

She was the smart one. And, and I don't remember what they like. They, they said, you know, he's the musical one or he's the good citizen. And I felt really that my self worth was being measured on how my, you know, what my perceived intelligence was.

Like you may have been, I don't know, artistic or outgoing or whatever, did you still

Did you, and he sort of at all bond as the adoptees kind of versus the, the natural born child to your parents?

And, and it's it's with no small irony that my mother was also like the PTA president in charge of just say no to drugs. Oh my gosh. Wow. Yeah. So while she was offered her PTA meetings, my brother was getting stoned at a neighbor kids and, oh my gosh. And I was in my room you know, basically drunk.

I can't, I can't believe somebody tells a, a kid morally unfit, but anyway, She, she said she was morally unfit to care for me. And and my first response was, well, let's go look for my real mother. Cause I mean, it just made sense to me. I mean, well, you know, we need to go find her And then, I learned really hard and fast to never do that again.

And what did you think and what did I think? Yeah, I mean, I was terrified

Cuz I felt like, I felt like love could be severed at any moment. Wow. Say the wrong thing and then that's it.

you're stated there, like what, what, yeah. What, and they, why are you? I'm not lying. I didn't do it. And they're like, what is all that around your mouth?

Mm-hmm why are you, why are you broken? You're like the broken toy. We, we thought that we were gonna get this really priceless gift.

We're expecting him to be the product of people cut from similar cloth as themselves.

Like any attention was better than no attention. So negative attention was something that I. I don't wanna say addicted to, but it's this, it was like this cycle that I couldn't get out of. And my dad had a heart attack when, , when I was 12 and he was like 40, and my mother said that my behavior problems caused it.

And if he died that she would never forgive me.

No wonder you didn't feel safe with her. Sounds like she had some really

Mm-hmm , I mean, we, you know, looking back now I can see it for what it is, but at the time , she was a danger to be around. And so I sort of lived in these like various trauma states, like freezing and fawning or, you know, trying to stave off her anger or, or I would fight, I would fight with her.

I admit I have a lot to learn about the community, but what I do know is young people know early in life, what their sexuality. Gender identity or what other characteristics about themselves are . I asked david if during that time of rebellion in his life he was also contemplating his sexuality?

. I mean, I didn't even know who I was as far as identity.

My, my whole existence was about survival. Like either at home or school or, , my whole life was about navigating danger. And so as far as my, you know, my identity or my sexual, well, that wasn't even, I couldn't even go down that road at the time. And in fact, I had to have girlfriends in high school because that's, that's what you do.

so I was, I lived in a lot of shame.

So as we got older, you know, my brothers, sister, and I got older, my parents aged, you know, it became apparent that we were not related that we're just kind of thrown together and I go back and I look at pictures of us and I just think like, we just all look like a band of misfits

Like we are just sort of this captive audience for a photographer.

Right.

You know, there are so many things now that I've sort of connected that I couldn't connect back then because you couldn't really even talk about adoption. You couldn't talk about your feelings around adoption. Adoption was supposed to be, you know, win, win, win, win, win, you know, so it never, you know, speaking about it, I become, so it becomes so hammered into me did not make that connection.

would be as accomplished as his birth parents would have He didn't think he'd be enough if he found them. David had read the book, inheritance where the author, Danny Shapiro learns. She is donor conceived. For Dani to have learned something so deeply revealing about her conception made David wonder what there was to discover about himself as an adoptee.

David was in his sixties at the beginning of COVID. So he assumed it was unlikely. He'd find a biological parent, but he wondered if he might locate a half sibling. David was in a good place mentally. So he took a DNA test and joined DNA detectives.

A search angel reached out to help sort out his matches on his family tree

The child of one of his birth parents, brothers, or sisters.

And you know, some of the people would blow me off, but anyway, as it turned out, no, but they had lived in Richmond, Virginia, and they had a, they had a beach house in Virginia Beach, which is next to Norfolk. Anyway, we started exchanging photos of,

her father and her uncles, one of whom was my father. And then we started looking in these pictures and we're going like, oh my God, we look alike. . I think that, that was even more impactful than, than just finding a match to actually see the physical evidence which was the, core of what I wanted.

And so anyway, finally , we narrowed it down to her father was deceased and the other uncle was deceased.

And the last one that could possibly have been my father she sent me pictures of him and it was just like it, it took my breath away. I mean, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't, I, I was like paralyzed at seeing this person because we looked so much alike when we were, when he was younger, when we were both the same age his face was the same face. I mean the same, same sort of expression, the same hair.

He had almond shaped eyes like I did. The chin was the same.

oh yeah, yeah. Like it was weird. It was like, she said, well, you know, he's a lawyer, so you're gonna, he's gonna cover up his tracks. Oh my gosh. So you won't find him, but I mean, she really, it wasn't even like, well, what was his part and all this,

right. When the questions come up, but like, how did I get to be in adoption?

It's almost immediately, here's what your birth mother chose with little to no consideration for whether a birth father even was part of the equation, let alone whether he was part of the decision. It just, just, it's almost like we're

immaculately. It's like, they were just sort of incidental.

David learned he has three half sisters, two of whom are twins. Apparently the girls have never gotten along so when david came around he ended up in the middle of their mess

One sister is like somebody who's been chronically ill, all of her life. Like she's always got something wrong with her. Anyway. She, about the time that I found them, this sister had to go into the hospital and she was really sick. And so these sisters would call me up every day and give me progress reports on the sister.

Now you have to understand I've never met these people. Oh wow. I don't even, know them. I mean, really. I mean, we're gen I mean, we're genetically related, but we're strangers. Right? Right. Like they're dragging me into the middle of their dysfunction and their animosity towards each other.

I never would've, you know met these people in a sort of quasi reunion. But I wanted to meet her because she was the closest thing. I mean, besides my sisters, but she was the first closest full-blooded, you know you know, relationship to my father. So there was some spiritual significance in that for me.

I see, I see this was a, a means by which to. Be in proximity to your father, if you couldn't actually meet him. Right. Correct.

people, but I felt like she was giving me this connection. Like these ancestors are yours. Wow. You know, they're your ancestors. And so I, for the first time in my life, I felt anchored to something greater than me. I mean, another person, like I that there's this history, you know, of people coming to this country and you know, the hardships that they faced and, and where they ended up in this country and where they migrated. . , it's not just finding your birth parents

Parts of his paternal family showed their true colors And they're not people David wants to know. Given their ideological division, David doesn't see how they could have anything in common.

Unfortunately, there's nothing in those relationships for him.

I don't, you know, need to you know, I'm not looking for acceptance from these people, but I did, you know, I have to say, I really did. I really wanted to be accepted by these people. And I really tried. And, it was really when the George Floyd murder happened, that's when all the cards came onto the table.

Yeah. And that's when I could see who they really were. And it was just like, there's nothing and this, but fortunately this was after they reunion. So I was still able to, you know, meet my, meet my aunt. But you know, I really don't, I don't have anything to do with him now.

but the fact is, you know, like most of the people , I messaged on ancestry didn't even respond. I mean, it's like not everyone sent it genealogy. And, and I think that people who weren't adopted may take that stuff for granted.

Yeah,

And I don't know whether I should mention this or not, but I did decide to try medication last fall. Which made a huge difference. I mean, I started to see a therapist and a, psychiatrist and and what, you know, what I'm on is really working. That's great. Yeah, in conjunction with seeing a therapist and, and really, I don't live in this constant state of defensiveness or worry or worried about what people think about me or I try and limit my time on social media.

And then, you know, I realized that I just needed to you know, pair that down so that I could keep my balance.

Seasons is because I needed to be able to step away for a while. , as you've said, there's the triggers that you get from hearing and adopted person speak about. The issues they faced and I'm, I try to be really empathetic with folks, but you also then get very emotional with them, even though you didn't live it, you, you can empathize and you can feel it.

And and I need to take a break and refresh myself too, so that I can be, a stronger host going forward. So I'm

You know, there's a lot of folks, you know, you sort of hesitated to mention taking medication but I think, we're in a space of. Accepting that mental health has a lot of different elements to it. It's accepting that perhaps your brain needs a little balance with a medication.

It may be that you need exercise to increase some of your other hormones. It's food. It's, you know, detox from online media. It's being outside and being in nature. Oh, you know, there's

But yeah I exercise every day. I eat really well. I eat, you know, my vegetables get, get outside yeah, on the medication, but it's not just like throwing somebody on medication.

Okay. That's it. You know, you've got your pills. You can go on your way. No, it's like, you have to do all these other things too.

Thank you for the opportunity to speak with you. Yeah, my

Outro

When his mom handed him the adoption documents with identifying information about his birth parents. He was, he wasn't able to do much with the information in that era before DNA testing and all of the online resources at our fingertips today.

prevent him from investing in getting to know them more. Unfortunately, sometimes that happens in reunion. We find our biological families and realize our differences will keep us apart.

I'm Damon Davis. And to hope you found something in David's journey that inspired you. Validates your feelings about wanting to search or motivates you?

To have the strength along your journey to learn. Who am i

really?