Rachael, who lives in Dover, Delaware, is a transracial adoptee who endured favoritism toward her brother, microaggressions from her adoptive mother, sexual assault and a physical attack. Rachael went behind her parents’ back to find her birth mother only to have the relationship cut short.
Later, Rachel found her birth father behind bars, but so glad to finally see his little girl again. Rachel calls herself a “Phoenix” for all that she’s endured and the strength she brings to the life she lives today.
This is Rachel’s journey.
Who Am I Really?
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Transcript
Intro
[:Cold Cut
[:So seeing her, it brought a little sadness, but I was more overjoyed with being able to realize that my plan was successful And I actually, I'm around people of the same bloodline and it felt really good to see her.
Show Open
[:Later Rachel found her birth father behind bars, but so glad to finally see his little girl again. Rachel calls herself a Phoenix for all that she's endured and the strength she brings to the life she lives today. This is Rachel's journey.
very harshly of her adoptee [:[:[:[:[:[:that's when it, it, it started like changing for me how I viewed adoption. And then when I was actually in school, it was hard for me to, Except that my parents were white for a really long time because I was bullied during class about it. That's why your family's white, that's why your parents never loved you.
irl still exists in Delaware.[:And of course at that time I really didn't have much knowledge of my biological family. And right after my presentation basically the girl asked me in front of everybody if I felt like I was normal because I was adopted. Wow. And then like she made it a whole like, laughing thing and so I was just stuck.
I had no idea how to answer that question. So for a while it took me a long time to accept that I was adopted. I was a black woman being adopted, and I was a black woman living in a white family.
[:several black people around. [:[:[:Mm-hmm. And may I ask, were you able to talk with your family at all about the bullying that was happening for you as a transracial adoptee?
[:So I didn't want that much attention. So I kind of just dealt with it. And then ultimately what I ended up doing was I started hiding places in the school. Mainly I would go to the bathroom or something like that and just try to like de-stress. But no, I really never talked to anybody about what was
[:Mm-hmm. Is this middle school, elementary school, high school? All three. Wow. So even from a young age in elementary school. Mm-hmm. It sounds like you're saying there was some bullying because you looked different from your parents.
[:there were kids pointing and [:[:And it sounds like you were ostracized from many people. Do, did you find joy at school
[:[:[:So, I mean, I enjoyed some parts of school. I think the best part of education and experience that I had throughout it all I think was like college, my college experience was way better than
grade school.
[:he road and away from home a [:[:My dad passed in:I felt like the black sheep [:And it, it was a painful journey, I will say
that.
[:[:And for [:For example sometimes if I would get in trouble and it involved my brother, it would turn out well, why can't you be more like him? Why do you always gotta be so mean? I never really got the full freedom to express myself or express things that hurt me in a comfortable way without taking the blame for it as well.
me year. The physical assault[:Hmm. So when I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 over that summer, I didn't tell them they were there when it happened, but I never told them what was going on. And my biggest reason was because I felt like they weren't going to protect me anyways. They let the first guy get away, what makes me believe that they're going to do anything about this guy?
urn to homeschooling rest in [:And when it finally came out, they were upset with me, but it was just, I just didn't trust that they were gonna protect me the way that they should. And then with my mom solely, she's really hurt me the most with her words. there's not a derogatory word in the book that my mom hasn't called me before.
Really? Yeah. Racially charged as well.
elt like you needed to leave.[:I don't really know how to take that. For my mom. I really, I still to this day have no idea what I'm supposed to do with that. Like, why would you say something like that to me? And so, as of right now, as an adult, I just feel like
my mom played a part. She loved me a lot at one point, but I don't know if she really likes me.
[:so I could see why you would [:So that like love thing is a really, really interesting. Do you mind, I want to just go back for a moment to a couple of things that I heard. One was, it felt like there were three instances of abuse. There was a sexual abuse, and first, I guess I should say, I'm really sorry that those were things that you had to live through.
That's not appropriate for any child, regardless of whether they're adopted or not. And so that shouldn't be part of your lived experience. And for you to have physical trauma that is still manifesting itself today in nerve damage, it has a reminder of what transpired before is awful. So I'm really sorry for that.
that you experienced or was [:[:Well, Dover specifically, before the changes happened in stores and everything, there used to be a Walmart in Dover. And my parents took us there and he basically lied to me and told me that he was introducing me to his uncle. Who was supposed to have been an employee there, and instead I ended up behind the building itself in the middle of rain.
me how I've responded to it, [:To love me unconditionally is gone versus the one that I don't even know if they even care for me.
[:tism, her mother showed him. [:Home bound to use her term. And there was a lot of attention placed on him because he nearly died during an asthma attack. Rachel said she can hear how her mother's voice changes to a babying nurturing favorites his Tone when she speaks of josh
[:I've experienced the favoritism. I've been at the house, and she's wanted me to change who I am and how I, move around and body language.
live with my mom now. And so,[:[:I
[:And normally it's just I don't want any questions being asked. Mm-hmm. Well, what questions are being asked? I'm your daughter. That's your son. What you do for me, you do for him. It's just that simple. But there's always been that division. My brother was spoiled. Mm-hmm. Completely spoiled. He got whatever he wanted.
d, and even though I threw a [:But majority of my time spent was around my mom and Josh at the same time while dad was gone. He really couldn't tell what was going on. We can't just call him because he was on the train and he's working. So it was a fight. it was a fight to feel equal. And then if I were to.
Complaining about something I would get in trouble.
there there's been so much childhood trauma that.
was doing, what was I like, [:And majority of the best memories with my family. I was going to my grandparents' house, or we were going on vacation, or I was going on my father-daughter dates with my dad. Mm-hmm. When he was off on the weekend. Mm-hmm.
[:you can very easily remember [:So in your instance, your poor experiences sound like they were, they were more numerous than they are for other people. It's blocked out a lot of the very common everyday stuff in your memory. That's in the center of that bell curve, if that makes sense. You know, that just what happened to you has overburdened your memory and you've, you've not got enough space to sort of hold on to just generally who I was at that time, because so much of what you were doing was surviving and it was in the extreme bad life experience place.
That's really, really fascinating.
[:[:She learned her biological father was incarcerated. So connecting with him would have to wait. Rachel sent mama Lucy, a Facebook message, and very quickly they were making plans to meet. Not wanting to meet her birth mother alone. Rachel took her best friend Dasia along. The girls said they were going to hang out at the mall but that wasn't the mission that they had planned at all
[:When I met them, it was in secret for the first time. And I met My brother Dominique, I met my sister miss T, and my other sister Kat, my biological mom. My niece Nadira, my nephew Sincere, and then my cousin Quay, but he has passed away.
Mm-hmm. Rest in peace to him. But it was, it was an exciting, like adrenaline running type of experience. And I look exactly like my sister. Wow. My face is her face. And so I was excited about that. We had a few visits and then eventually I did come out and I told my parents that what I had done they were not happy, but especially my mom.
he meetings had to end. So I [:[:What was it like to go to the mall with this purpose of, of meeting your maternal family?
[:I'm literally facing the woman that birthed me. Like it just felt unreal, but it felt comfortable.
[:[:So seeing her, it brought a [:[:You were adopted, but into a transracial adoption and you were bullied and that was out of your control, and unfortunately you suffered some traumas and abuses that you didn't neither deserve nor want and are inappropriate. And, and, and further our, I guess my point is, out of your control, did it feel good to have taken control to go and locate your maternal family and try to, you know, get to know them finally having something that you were doing for yourself?
[:Wow. So it was very, very uncomfortable and it felt good in the moment, but I just knew it wasn't gonna last long, as long as I was still under her control and under her say. So it wasn't going to last long. I just didn't know exactly when it would actually end, but it didn't end too far off. By the end of the summer, I was no longer allowed to have contact with them.
Wow.
[:[:She would make it very clear that I don't like it. She, we, she even went as far as to tell the family that I moved out to go find a black woman to be my mother. Wow. Which was not the truth, but she knows exactly where I was. She knows exactly who I was with. And so my mom loves to have control and something that benefits her is the better option.
I caught it, and so I had to [:[:With a young woman standing behind him. She had no idea. The photo was a picture of her birth father and a half sister. Rachel learned to the man's name was Charles, but she wasn't positive. He was her birth father. When Rachel was in school at the age of 18, she had a burning desire to know of Charles incarcerated at the time was indeed her biological father. So she wrote him a letter introducing herself.
like to connect with him and [:Rachel mailed her introductory letter off to the prison where Charles was detained.
[:And the very first time we went, I remember I didn't even wanna put my head up. I was so scared. I was already nervous to go through a prison. And then on top of that, I'm about to meet my dad. So I had my head on the table and my friends, they were looking, they were like, your dad just came in here, he, you look exactly like him.
. It was like, I got another [:So it was really, really, really great.
[:
Rachel began calling her aunts and uncles, but no one was answering their phones. One of her uncles voicemails picked up so she left a message inquiring about charles whereabouts
[:Wow. And at one point he had told me that he hired a private investigator to find me, but they couldn't come up with anything. They,
[:So he's in prison, he's incarcerated. Did you get to hug him? tell me about the, the moment that you actually get to meet him and, and then how were you guys after? How did you correspond?
[:not know anything. And so it [:And then he told me about his side of the story as far as like how he knew about me being born into this world where he was. And he was, both of them have been very honest, especially him. He was very honest about the addictions and the reason behind why I was being put up for adoption. They really wanted me to be raised in a better situation than what they were currently in.
ht mindset. To raise another [:All I wanted was the truth. And so in the discovery of the story, the truth has come out I shall say.
And how do you mean that?
So my adopted mom randomly told me this one time while we were together. She had told me that I was the product of a failed abortion, was not true.
me anything about them. So I [:[:[:really?
So I don't know how to feel other than I'm just, I'm shocked. I didn't think I was going to ever see it. I knew of the name, I knew my name was changed, but I didn't think that when looking at it, seeing what time I was born and all of that, all of that changed a lot of what I was told. Mm-hmm. Growing up.
urious. You know, one of the [:[:Like, we only know what we're told about our adoptions, and they only know what they're told about our adoptions. So I'm hopeful that she didn't sort of make up a story. Because it's entirely possible that she could have been given the story of your adoption and it was simply to you.
eally fascinating to sort of [:Tell me more about that sentiment from you. What does that mean?
[:where I really should not be [:[:I mean, as I listen to you, Rachel, You sound like a pretty confident woman, you know, who has been through a lot, but I, I don't get a sense of any victimization, like any victim mentality. I don't get a sense that you were sort of mad at the world. Like tell me a little bit about how you got through all of this stuff.
With that inner strength,
[:Make sure that I was not the same. So really my survival was all wrapped around school professionalism. I really love kids, so I went to school to become a teacher. Mm-hmm. And I really was intrigued by trying to make a difference for somebody else because I never wanted someone to experience what I experienced.
been able to be in the place[:I.
[:And I'm just super impressed with the fact that you've chosen to step forward, be transparent about what you've been through, but also share that strength. So I thank you so much for being here, Rachel, go ahead.
[:he only one. And I just knew [:Adoption comes in any shape or form, and I knew from my side of the tracks, I wanted to get my story out to let others know that these type of parents exist, these type of situations exist. This is what happens to some adoptees. I unfortunately had to be one of them that experienced it, but it gave me also a different type of viewpoint.
ould've been the same person [:And I'll never not be a fighter. So unless a freak accident happens to take me off of this earth, that's the only way. Mm-hmm.
[:Had you not unfortunately experienced some of these things, it sucks that it takes trauma and tragedy to build strength and mm-hmm. But it's, it's great when people are able to identify that something awful has happened and they will do everything in their power to never let it happen to them or other people again.
l to be here with you today. [:Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Closing
[:all, most of us really want. [:That what has been done to you does not define who you are. And that you're able to rise up like a Phoenix To fight another day. I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you found something in Rachel's journey that inspired you. Validates your feelings about wanting to search or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn. Who am I really. If you would like to share your story of adoption in your attempt to connect with your biological family, please visit who am I really? podcast.com/share. You can follow me on Instagram at Damon L Davis and follow the podcast at w AI really.
really, it would be great to [: